People of Nuttistan,
I, the Glorious Leader and Father of Our Nation, have made a most momentous decision in the fate of our wonderful country.
We are relocating our capital from the most foul and sin-drenched town of Fayetteville to the most glorious and beautiful Oxford, a city so glamorous that people from such esteemed metropolises as Shreveport look on it with envy.
This will keep the vile, black-souled denizens of that most horrible place from their insistence on such disgusting examples of hedonism as transparency, openness and normality. Such sins cannot be tolerated.
As we did before, the Nation of Nuttistan will ban the heresy of the forward pass in Oxford. This shall not be permitted, for it is the source of all offensive evil.
Planes shall also be banned. Nothing that shall be considered holy may touch the sky.
We will also find a local anchor to text 30-40 times a day just because the Glorious Leader feels like it, an arrangement that should in no way be seen as suspicious.
This move will make our great nation stronger.
The Ayatollah Housteinhi