If it seems like we take our football a little too seriously, it’s because, well… we do. You’ll never understand what it’s like to be a Gamecock fan until you become one. We’ve fielded a football team for over 100 years at USC, and over that illustrious time we have accumulated a winning percentage of… exactly .500. Those seasons include only one ten win affair, a season which saw our Gamecocks climb to #2 in the national polls before dropping a game to Navy and finally closing out the season with a loss in the Gator Bowl. Our coach from that season? Died a few years later of a heart attack at the ripe old age of 52. More recently, the Gamecock faithful suffered through an 0-21 stretch that finally ended when Dr. Lou prescribed a healthy dose of whatever it is that Dr. Lou prescribes. In 2004 we saw our bowl hopes dashes once again, only this time by a heated melee with bitter rival Clemson that served as both a disgraceful end to the Holtz era as well as a dubious beginning to the Spurrier one.
So this is where you come in, as loud-mouthed shit-talkers from a state that our Miss Teen candidate couldn’t find on a map with both hands and a Sherpa (although, admittedly, that’s not all that damning a condemnation). You’ll have to forgive us if we’re a little defensive. We’re not used to the concept of some “friendly ribbing” as we’re most familiar with the type of low-grade insults hurled anonymously from gap-toothed Clemson fans. You’d get that way too if you lost 4 out of every 5 games to an in-state rival whose motto is: Animal Husbandry, not just a major but a way of life. Of course everyone thinks that their school’s rivalry is the most heated. To that I answer with this:
Publicly Gamecock fans will tell you what a tragic day that was for the state of South Carolina. Privately, they will tell you that it is just like a Clemson fan not to pay out on a bet, and that that bastard got what he deserved.
You Iowa fans seem alright, though. Despite your insatiable love of the word Cock, you bring a lot to the table – what with your football knowledge, poop jokes, and general sense of indignation. As we’ve never really had a chance to, I’m not sure that a lot of Gamecock fans know how to talk smack. I’ll try to get the ball rolling, but be patient with us.
1) Please stop with the whole “You think our whole team is white and therefore slow” routine. Having a “great motor” is not code racist talk for white. Get off it. Both Cliff Geathers and Cliff Mathews on our team are said to have “great motors” and are quite black (watch out for them by the way). We don’t care if your team is all white. We do care that your state has a disturbingly high proportion of mullets. Not being a Southern State, you have absolutely no excuse.
2) There is no way around it, your mascot sucks. As if a hawk (drawing to mind the Atlanta version no less) weren’t lame enough, you then have to go and qualify it with “eye.” Your mascot’s most fearsome attribute is vision (either that or vitreous humor). On the other hand, that might come in handy so your team can watch Sir Big Spur gut “Herky the Hawk” like a fish. You might as well change your mascot to the "Eyeballs." At least then we could call the Outback Bowl the "Cock and Balls Showdown."