It's hard to find a decent sports writer in Columbia, especially one named Ron. Case in point, readers of the Free Times have been subjected to the indiscriminate poo-flinging of one Ron Aiken all year long. Here's the thing about Ron Aiken, though, that differentiates him from other Columbia area Rons: he fancies himself a man of the people. Aiken generally limits his criticisms to the coaching staff and the athletic department big wigs. He'll consistently write that Gamecock fans have suffered long enough, and that it is high time USC's football program started producing. He'll go on about the evils of nepotism, and how we hired a coaching legend and, dammit, he ought to be calling the plays. Then in the next week he'll tell us how USC's patience with Spurrier will finally pay off. Mind you, he doesn't actually give any reasons or analysis in his columns. Basically, he sticks his finger in the air and changes his punditry course according to the previous week's score. Don't look to Ron Aiken for in-depth analysis. Don't look to Ron Aiken for an over-arching theme to his work. Don't even look to Ron Aiken for a well thought out fluff piece. Read a Ron Aiken column if you're in the market for a 6 paragraph rant under the guise of crusading for the little guy - the Gamecock fan.

Which isn't all that bad, if not noteworthy journalism. 

Then he chose to gift us with what I beleive will come to be known as Aiken's Opus Magnum in the years to come. Last week Ron Aiken published an article so bereft of actual content that it is destined to become an instant classic. Ron Aiken's journalism has devolved into a "Yo' mama" contest on an elementary school play ground. To wit:

Since here we are in year three of what could be called the era of the worst offensive line play in the nation — the University of South Carolina again will finish last in the Southeastern Conference in rushing for the third straight year as well as finishing 108th out of 120 teams in sacks allowed, also last in the SEC, and 11th in scoring offense in the SEC, 102nd natioanlly — it’s high time to kick some ass, to put it bluntly.

His definition of "kicking ass" apparently involves calling the USC offensive line "soft" with metaphores of varying degrees of sophistication. Again, let's go to the tape:

I’m not saying they’re soft, but one lineman in the media guide lists his "favorite food" as "shopping!"

I’m not saying they’re soft, but Sports Illustrated wants them for the cover. Of the swimsuit issue.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but one lineman in the media guide listed his "biggest fear" as "getting pregnant."

I’m not saying they’re soft, but a couple of linemen expressed disappointment when they learned that "getting new Under Armour" didn’t mean a fresh case of maxi pads.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but the line thought that "The Garnet Way" referred to a menstrual cycle.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but makeup companies in the past have used them to test new products on.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but they did ask their doctor about Vagisil.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but calling them "pansies" is an insult to that hardy flower.

I’m not saying they’re soft, but one of the linemen’s cars sports a bumper sticker that reads, "I brake for frat boys!"

I’m not saying they’re soft, but the Japanese believe that praying to them ensures the birth of a gay male child.

This is just a partial list. You can find Ron Aiken's Opus Magnum in it's entirety here.

After a weekend that saw USC hang with the number one team in the nation for three quarters, all Ron Akien has to offer us is this litany of insults. Some of his comments border on bigoted, sexist, and homophobic. All fail to add anything substantive to the conversation surrounding Carolina football.

The greatest line in the column, though, is this one:

(and for the record, I made all of these up without any help).

As if for one second I could be so pessimistic about human nature as to imgaine that two people actually sat around a table thinking up this garbage. Or worse, that Aiken ripped his insults straight from collegefratboyinsults.com without giving proper credit.

I'm not saying Ron Aiken is an ignorant tool, but...