Anyone catch Four Downs with Craig James and Mark May? Apparently, they both picked Vanderbilt to upset us. Missed it? Don't worry. Here's an EDSBS-style transcript:
Jay Harris: Alright, it's time for four downs with Mark May and Craig James. Mark joins us here in Bristol, Craig's coming at us from via satellite from the recesses of his own ass!
Craig: Howdy Jay! Thanks fer havin' me, but why'd ya bring back May? Comic relief?
Mark: Pony, I look forward to embaaarrassing you again this week.
Jay Harris: Alright boys, settle down! First down: SEC East battle featuring two 3-0 teams. One is exceeding expectations, the other, raising some questions as to whether they really are a championship contender. So, who you got, South Carolina or Vanderbilt?
Mark: Jay, the aaaaanswer is easy: It's Vaaaaanderbilt. Are you kidding me? Five picks off Ole Miss? Stellar paaaass defense? A new coach in James Fraaaanklin who's got this team invigorated, and ready to go into Columbia and take one from the Gamecocks, who are in a bleak tailspin, careening into an abyss of eternal blaaaackness? It's Vaaaanderbilt in a laaaandslide.
Craig: Well golly, Mark! You been readin' my notes big boy!
Mark: Pony, the only notes of yours I've read are your advaaaanced taaaactics for the untraceable disposal of hooker bodies.
Craig: Pah-HAW! Well look, Jay, the answer is simple: Vanderbilt is here to win. The Commodores have brought a sense of excitement and vivacity not felt in Nashville since Minnie Pearl's tit fell out at the Opry! Meanwhile, down in Columbia, Steve Spurrier's fielding the worst 3-0 team in the history of man. Seriously, this team is a shambles! Marcus LATTAMOOR cain't be the whole team! HE JEST CAIN'T! They got all these gahs, ALL AMERICAN CALIBER GAHS, who aren't steppin' up! AILshon Jeffrey! JA-DEVEN CLOWNEY! I'm ready to call 'em both busts. If I was these kids' parents, I'd leverage my standing in the national media to have Spurrier fahred.
Mark: Pony, the faaaaacts don't lie. The Gamecaaacks are dead laaaaast in EVERY, OFFENSIVE, CAAAATEGORY. Look it up.
Jay: I...I'm not sure that's true, Mark. In fact they--
Mark: I'm sorry, what was thaaaat? Did you question my football aaaaacumen? Laaaast time I checked, when you were schmoozing at an Old Dominion alumni brunch, I was WINNING SUPERBOWLS. Kiss the rings, Jay.
Craig: Pah-HAW! Easy there, Mark! Hadn't seen you this fahred up since they ejected you from ESPN the Weekend after you tried to get frisky with CINDERELLA! But, Jay, Mark's right: South Carolina is merely the fiery wreckage of a 747 made of high expectations, visors, and MARCUS LATTAMOOR'S HYBRID CORNROWBRAIDYTHING. They might as well be 0-40!
Jay: Alright, gentlemen, let's move on to second down.
Voice: Not stho fasht.
Mark: Oh, Jesus.
Lou: Mark, Craig, you thwo whippershnappersh don't know the firsht thing about prognoshticashtion! The Gameocksh road to victory reshtshs on thshree thshingsh: Getting Marcush Lattimore the ball, Shtephen Garshchia's ability to shthrow accurate passhesh, and being a kind, devoted and jusht hushband and family man! Do all of theshe thshingsh, and Shouthsh Carolina winsh big. My predicshtion: Lattimore runsh for a thoushand yardsh in the firshth drive alone. Gamecocksh 92, Vandjerbilt, oschtrichsh egg.
Jay: Is the MLB network hiring?