Oh crap! It's already 9:45 on Christmas and you realized you totally forgot to get Uncle Phil something. You coolly excuse yourself from the screening of It's a Wonderful Life, lock the bathroom door, rappel down the side of your parent's house and peel out of the driveway, bound for your neighborhood 24/365 megastore. But what to buy?
Merry Christmas! The "Shopping Days Til Christmas" countdown ticker may be showing a goose-egg, but we at Garnet and Black Attack sympathize with the true procrastinators among you. After all, I was supposed to have this up yesterday! So for those of you out searching for a post-last-minute gift idea, fear not. I've compiled a list of crucial Carolina merch* to save you from a year's worth of passive aggression.
*Merch may not actually exist.
Marble Frank Martin Bust
Crafted in the style of Ancient Roman portraiture, this sculpture of South Carolina's fiery roundball coach is the perfect addition to any lobby, foyer, or study. Available in Indignant (pictured), Death Stare, Mid-Scream, or "post-Pitbull concert glow."
Operation! board game (Akeem Auguste Special Edition)
Steady your hand! Akeem's under the knife again and it's your job to get him back out on that field. Work out those groin pulls and ankle sprains, and remember: it's gonna be love! [ed: <3 YOU AKEEM!]
Swaggriculture: A Hard-Hitting Guide to Domestic Growing
Secret Santa for someone with a green-thumb? Look no further than DJ Swearinger's tome of handy gardening tips, wherein he divulges the best methods for cultivating your very own backyard plot. Features a chapter dedicated to the planting and growing of DJ's self-developed "TURNTUP" crop. (Hint: it's turnip seeds soaked in Andre Ellington's tears.)
A Four Star Linebacker
At 6'1, 220, he's ready to step in for any SEC team returning like 2 linebackers next season. SERIOUSLY SOMEONE GIVE THIS TO KIRK BOTKIN
"A Heavy-Handed Christmas! Holiday Hits of Dylan Thompson"
Soundtrack your holiday season with South Carolina's 1.5th string quarterback crooning only the most excruciatingly religious Christmas favorites! You'll find none of that Rudolph nonsense on this two-disc collection; just those Jesu-centric joints your great-great-great-grands sang during the Pierce administration! But don't skip past the smattering of Thompson originals, including, "Jesus Is My Throwing Arm", "Connor Should Pray More", and "Let's Awkard Up This Presser With a Prayer!"
Scratchy drywall is a thing of the past with these handy pole sanders, available at Ace Hardware!
This year's holiday must-have that has the nation's parents swim-moving through the lines—the checkout lines, that is! Your very own rough-housing buddy, one look at this life-sized plush, and you'll hope to get called for "holding" one come Christmas morning!
"Inane In the Membrane" USC Beatwriter Readiness Kit
Comes complete with voice recorder, press credential, used Kia Sorento, 2,300 twitter followers, Widespread Panic album, and innate sense of unlikability.
Laimonas Chatkevicius and Mindaugas Kacinas in "Lithuane's World"
Straight outta Vilnius! The summer's smash hit is now available on all formats. When two Lithuanian basketballers travel to Columbia to seek an opportunity on the hardwood, hijinks ensue! Get ready for tip-off and let East Europe's #1 wacky buddy comedy put you in a Baltic State of mind!
But seriously. Be safe and we'll see you in 2013.
Oh, and it's game week. Beat Michigan!