A Lighter Shade of Garnet: Alternate Uses for the New Jumbotron

Head Coach Steve Spurrier, questioning the realism and physics of Wii golf.

As we speak, the finishing touches are being applied to our shiny new video screen, replacing the teensy panel that hovered over the north endzone that was about as imposing as a ten-year-old in boxing gloves. But now, we've got 126 feet of glory stretched out for the world to see, ready to beam down highlight reels and replays and intro videos that'll elevate the gameday experience to a new level. In the immortal words of Bart Scott, "CAN'T WAIT." Although as someone who's woefully negligent about actually making it to Columbia for gamedays, I should say I can't wait to see it depicted on my favorite bar's flatscreens [dodges tomatoes, bottles, folding chairs, etc.]

What with all the cash the department has dumped into the project, it's a shame to think that our new toy might only be in use a few nights a year. We didn't build this thing just to keep up with the Joneses, you know. [presses in-ear monitor] I'm being told that's exactly why we built it. Still, it's there now, so we at GABA are proposing that the athletic department consider the following ancillary uses for the jumbotron, some of which are income streams so thank us later, Ray.

  • Flying toasters screen saver.
  • Show 2011 Orange Bowl; sell tickets to a live MST3000-style show featuring Stephen Garcia and two small robots named Smelley and Mitchell ridiculing the game between bong hits.
  • Digital Eye of Sauron, at all times menacingly fixed in the direction of Derek Dooley.
  • Host mindblowing Wii golf tournaments. Spurrier launches Wiimote after getting schooled by yet another pasty freshman gamer.
  • Weekly episodes of "Mr. Swearinger's Neighborhood", wherein safety DJ Swearinger trash talks puppets.
  • Constant loop of Dr. Lou segments, a chilling reminder as to how lucky we are that he's not here anymore.
  • Screen the 2011 Kentucky vs. USC basketball game, charge Kentucky fans $20 a head for entry. Congratulations, you have paid off the video board.
  • "Deposit dollar, see Pitbull video." Congratulations, Frank Martin has paid off the video board.
  • When recruits are visiting, show episodes of Spongebob Squarepants, because our recruits grew up watching Spongebob Squarepants and now you feel really old don't you?
  • Display enormous ticker cataloging number of orange paw foot tats throughout the state, sponsored by What The Hell Were You Inking? tattoo removal clinic.
  • As an homage to former USC professor James Dickey, nightly screenings of Deliv...you know what, ignore this one.
  • In a stoic serif font, display the words "ABANDON HOPE ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE EXCEPT AUBURN GAH WHY CAN'T WE BEAT AUBURN".
  • [drinks entire Monster energy drink] "OK so what about a montage of Jadeveon Clowney breaking stuff and then hitting dudes and then just standing there with his arms folded staring at the camera like a badass, and then cut to breaking some more stuff, OH and behind it there's frantic classical music with like thundery drums and a choir singing Latin gibberish, like on movie trailers...that'd be awesome." [drinks second Monster Energy drink]
  • Seriously, anything but the 2012 "Great to be a Gamecock" campaign.
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