The Weekly GABAbag

USA TODAY Sports

This week: The inevitable Spurrier statue, the salacious act of watching televised Cocks, and Devin bein' Devin.

Welcome back. Last week's GABAbag wasn't a complete disaster, so let's ring in round two, shall we? This week, we discuss the possibility of a Spurrier statue, the enigma that is Devin Taylor, and the art of watching Gamecock football on TV. We had one question that was so strong, it's actually being repurposed into its own post, which should appear sometime next week. Read on!

@Jgunnels27 asks: "How many players from the baseball championship teams will make it to the majors? 3 already have (Dyson, Bradley Jr, and Roth.)"

I’m no expert but I did see the 1994 film The Scout starring Albert Brooks and Brendan Fraser, so I like to think I know a thing or two about talent evaluation*. Based on nothing more than perceived potential, I'll say Christian Walker and Matt Price. Both are in the Orioles system playing for the Delmarva Shorebirds which is a fact I am providing in place of valued commentary as I slowly become more cognizant of my inability to answer this question. Hey, here’s a recently-updated list of former Gamecocks in the pro. And oh look, a deer! [does this]

*Buuuut, I don’t.

@Jgunnels27 also asks: "The new helmet to helmet contact ejection rule is wildly excessive right?"

We all agree it’s important to take measures to reduce these sorts of hits, but this rule operates under the premise that every helmet-to-helmet hit is intentional and malicious, which doesn't seem pragmatic. Not all players are blessed with the reflexes to pull back if a ball-carrier ducks late and drops his helmet into the line of fire. What was wrong with the one-game suspension after thorough review (aside from the fact the administrative reviews seemed perfunctory)? What do you think?

Heisman4Clowney asks: "Who'd be your ultimate hypothetical sports couple for sole purpose of generating the ultimate athlete baby? Ex. Clowney/Greiner."

Obviously Clowney, but I’m gonna go with Lady Gamecocks sophomore forward Elem Ibiam. Aside from her athletic gifts, why Ibiam? For starters, she’s 6’3”, so mixing genes with Doo-Doo could yield a monster. But most importantly, she’s a Gamecock, meaning their offspring would be a shoo-in legacy. We would need both Frank Martin and Steve Spurrier to be in the waiting room at the maternity ward, ready to extend committable offers. “The Gamecocks receive their first commitment for the 2035 recruiting class for one sport or another, DE/PF Jadeveon Clowney Jr.”

H4C also asks: "When the HBC retires, he'll get a statue. We need lines on facial expressions, poses, & attire (shirtless?)"

We both know it’ll be some stoic peak-action pose where he’s pointing at some invisible play our clenching his fist in triumph. All well and good, but my suggestion? Clutching a long iron, mid-backswing, flanked by a second statue of Dabo carrying his clubs.

@LanceBurleson asks: "It seems fewer Gamecock football players have been arrested this summer than in recent memory: Dylan Thompson halo effect?"

YOU KNOCK WOOD RIGHT NOW! But yes, I would like to think Dylan Thompson has personally washed the feet of every current player and said, “Go now, and your feet shall not touch unhallowed ground nor covet they neighbor’s laptop.” That, or there’s actually something to all that culture change stuff.

Joshua asks: "Any chance of seeing Justin King's work on the Beast Board this fall?"

We went to the man himself for a comment on the matter. His response: “I hope so!” Extrapolate from that what you will. But I think the athletic department would be remiss to ignore the majesty of JK’s work.

Jeff asks: "Your description of the wedding and the Kentucky game reminded me of a work-related meeting I had in Scottsdale, AZ the night of our meltdown against Auburn (at home!) in 2011. I was required to attend a group function which fortunately took place at a bar with TVs. So I pretended to attempt professional small talk (“Did you get the memo about the TPS reports?”) while I squirmed/gesticulated/muttered at the TV and finally collapsed in a drunken puddle of profanity over that clock-management fiasco at the end. At which point, one woman in the room (who hadn’t been paying the first bit of attention to the stupid game) takes the opportunity to shriek “War Eagle” in my direction. Never again, I vowed.

So my question is this: do you think that telecast Gamecock Football, like salacious internet material, is meant to be viewed privately (or perhaps with your significant other if they can sit quietly without judging)?"

I am absolutely of the mind that watching Gamecock football on television should be a strictly private enterprise. Surround yourself only with confidants who will understand and/or mirror your anxieties and irrational outbursts. For this reason, I am not a fan of watching games in bars or at parties. I need to be in a proverbial padded cell.

As for watching with the enemy, completely out of the question. You know those commercials where fans of opposing team are squeezed onto the same couch, and clearly a big play just happened so one set of fans exchange high fives and the other sports lighthearted “aw shucks” looks? THAT IS GARBAGE. If I was in a similar situation as the latter bunch, I would just sweat magma for a minute before finally roundhousing kicking the television and then spontaneously combusting.

Kevin asks: "What’s with the Batman shirts? My theory: Coach Connolly comes up with random 'events' in which a player can put in a top notch performance and earn a batman shirt. For example; Damiere Byrd, despite all his speed, is caught and tied to the top of the goalpost in the end zone. Then Coach tells whoever is in the weight room that he's lit said goalpost on fire. If they're able rescue Byrd without injury, boom, you get a Batman shirt."

I’ve wondered about the Batman shirts too and I figured it was just some motivational inside joke, but I like your theory better.

Scott asks: "If Auburn has the entire 2010 season vacated, as they should but probably won't given the utter incompetence of the NCAA, does that make us the 2010 SEC Champion?"

I mean, I’d imagine the league would just leave it vacated. When Southern Cal vacated wins/titles/a Heisman trophy, I don’t believe the runners up were awarded anything. We might just have two less losses on our all-time record. Besides, I would feel pretty lame retroactively celebrating an SEC Championship that was awarded on such terms. Besides, I choose to remember that season by everything that happened prior to the SEC title game. 9-2, baby!

Brian asks: “What's more shocking, Devin Taylor rocking a speedo or him enjoying a day at the bog?”

Shocking may not be the right word, as Big Don’t Say Nothin’ has never aimed to mask his status as a proud son of Beaufort and an overall enigma. Remember, we’re talking about a 6’8” dude with a blood-red dreadhawk who somehow enjoys mudding as much as he does snapping on a pair of mauve Speedos. It’s all so delightfully bizarre. And that’s a good way to describe Devin, really. Reputations for being demure and playfully idiosyncratic are not usually possessed in tandem, and yet we have Devin. So is it shocking that he’s Instagramming a jaunt to the mud bog or doing the Harlem Shake in naught but a Speedo? Not particularly. Is it equal parts entertaining and endearing? Always.

***

That does it for this week, folks. Thanks to all those who contributed. If you'd like to submit a question for next week's GABAbag, tweet us at @GABAttack or e-mail us at gabamailbag@gmail.com. (Yes, someone already had gababag@mailbag.com. I know not what for.)

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