Everyone knows that Steve Spurrier likes to make the occasional wisecrack at the expense of his opponents, but on Tuesday the Head Ball Coach took the opportunity of April Fools' Day to turn his razor-sharp wit on his own coaching staff. During a meeting about South Carolina's April 2 Pro Timing Day, Spurrier reached under his chin and peeled back his face to reveal an irradiant exoskeleton common among natives of Triton, Jupiter's largest moon.
The 1966 Heisman Trophy winner 'fessed up to the gag, admitting that his entire life, as we've experienced it, has been nothing more than an elaborate prank and that the true reason for his presence on Earth is to enslave the entirety of the human population and render the planet completely uninhabitable in the wake of the unconscionable massacre that he plans when everyone thinks he's golfing.
Spurrier announced that once he has successfully overthrown the governments of every nation and subjugated their peoples, each surviving woman and child will be forced into a miserable life of backbreaking manual labor in the darzel mines of Triton. (Darzel is a prized Tritonian mineral used primarily for the preservation of meat and is worn as a decorative ornament by members of the ruling class.) The men will, of course, be conscripted into his army of interplanetary marauders.
"Sometimes people forget that with Coach there's a lot more to him than meets the eye," said South Carolina defensive coordinator Lorenzo Ward. "In addition to being a great football coach, a grandfather, and a hideous beast who has extinguished all forms of life in upwards of a dozen galaxies -- he's also a master at the art of executing a well-timed practical joke, like the one he pulled off today when he informed all of the assistant coaches that he has impregnated us with the larvae of Tritonian supersoldiers, which will one day hatch and murder each of us and our families while we sleep."
"It's good to see that he still knows how to have fun, even after 69 long years of passing himself off as a human being in order to infiltrate the highest circles of influence and hasten our species' grisly demise," added Ward.
"Oh, I don't want to get into all that," Spurrier said when asked about a timeline for his plan to coordinate a worldwide ground invasion. "I've got one of these things on my back that's sorta neat. I guess it kinda looks like a dorsal fin. Anyway, when the time is right, it'll become engorged and beam a signal back to Triton to let them know y'all are ready to be viciously slaughtered -- and I do mean viciously slaughtered."
Spurrier then unleashed a series of blood-curdling Tritonian war cries.
Spurrier concluded by adding that when spring football practice resumes on April 3, Damiere Byrd, who is recovering from offseason knee surgery, will continue to be withheld from any drills that involve live contact and is likely awaited by an unimaginably cruel fate whether or not he survives the impending attack.