Have you ever been to StockPhotopia? Why, it's a magical land where businessmen bound through lush fields and dogs are also police officers and the women live in constant fear of perverted, one-eyed apricots leering at their unmentionables. Never go to StockPhotopia.
Indeed, browsing stock photo archives is like gazing into the collective subconscious of the world's print and web marketers. (They are freaks, natch.) No subject is too bizarre or arcane to go undocumented, and sometimes it feels like Stock sites push the oddest options to the forefront. As a Graphics Professional (motto: It's Like If Peter Pan Had a Job) I've spent my share of time poring over grids of search results and in doing so have encountered some strange and sexy pics that are seemingly unrelated to my search query but hey at least it's not another gotdamn senior citizen sitting stupefied in front of a computer screen.
One thing I've learned from my time at GABA and SB Nation is that the SEC is hella entertaining when filtered through other stuff. So I decided to run individual iStockPhoto.com searches for each SEC mascot and see what the most bizarre or entertaining Page 1 result was for each. And we're off!
Search Term: "Crimson Tide"
THIS IS AN ELITE STARFISH. This photo would also appear in a "five star" keyword search, so it makes sense. By the way, here's the first result for "roll tide":
A DANISH? WHY AIN'T IT A 'BEAR' CLAW, PAWWWWWWWWWL
Search Term: "Razorbacks" yielded like six images of boring ol' boars, so I went with "hog".
Here we have Skateboarding Pig, who seems to be vaguely referential to Bebop, the punky henchmanhog from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Skateboarding Pig isn't all that intimidating, but neither was John L. Smith and he got the job dohahahahaha let's move on.
Search Term: Since we have other Tigers, "War Eagle" it is.
As expected, the results for "war eagle" were either eagles or military icons, but thankfully iStock pushed this horrifying image of something called a "Space Marine Chaplain" which is a character from a tabletop dice game called Warhammer 40,000. WAR DAMN NERDS.
Search Term: "Gator"
A cartoonish, CGI gator with wacked-out eyes and an ambiguous facial expression pointing at his dick. I'm in earnest when I say I didn't search "Florida Gators 2013".
Search Term: Bulldogs are boring, so "Dawg" is the keyword.
A, a renowned stock photo character: the colorless, genderless, featureless humanoid. It's depicted here carefully stepping over a dashed line. Considering the spate of injuries Georgia suffered last season, this sort of ginger movement is probably a sound approach to any future on-field locomotion. "Take it easy, TJ, you're home free! No need to sprain a ligament!" By the way, one of the keywords ascribed to this photo is "alien greeting". And also, for some reason, "dawg".
Search Term: "Wildcat"
BAAAAW, WHO'S GONNA GO 4-8? WHO'S GONNA GO 4-8? YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE YOU WITTLE FUZZBALL
Search Term: Mizzou can have Tiger, so we'll search "Bayou Bengal".
First of all, I'm as shocked as you are that Bayou Bengal yielded anything. Evidently this is a Bangladeshi fisherman slurping water from a river inside Sundarban National Park, which is the world's biggest mangrove forest. That's what the caption says, but I'm pretty sure it's just a vacationing Les Miles enjoying a nightcap. He calls it "river cereal" because "there's a prize in every dang scoop."
8. Ole Miss
Search Term: "Rebel"
This search was a friggin' treasure trove, but my girl here stood out. I've never been to The Grove, but I can only assume it's this times 40,000 plus oak trees. Or wait, is that just Bo Wallace after the Egg Bowl?
9. Mississippi State
Search Term: Bulldogs are boring part 2, so "CLANG".
"Oh what's that, SEC? You don't like our cowbells? Well darn, I guess we'll have to think of something else."
[distributes thousands and thousands of gongs amongst fans]
[GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA ]
"Okay fine go back to the cowbells"
[GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA GONGA etc.]
Search Term: "Tiger" resulted in a bunch of typical-ass tigers, so instead we are searching "Chase Daniel".
O.....kay. All 14 image results were deer. Just a buncha deer, or deerlike animals anyway. Chase Daniel=Deer. Your guess is as good as mine. If a member of the Missouri fanbase is reading this, feel free to make sense of this in the comments.
11. South Carolina
Search Term: "Gamecock"
Of the 83 results, four of the first 15 were bananas. Indeed, "gamecock" is in the keyword list for each of these photos. Any guesses? Maybe it's because those Gamecocks are just so darned aPEEL—[is pelted with thousands of batteries and shuriken]
Search Term: "Volunteer"
No, you jerk, this wasn't taken outside of Neyland after a particularly gruesome Dooley-era loss and the other side doesn't say "DO GOODER FOOTBALL". You'd be a jerk to think or even suggest that.
13. Texas A&M
Search Term: "Aggie"
Somewhat surprisingly, there were just four returns on the search term "Aggie", but thankfully one of them featured the words STUD MUSHROOM on a marquee. Quantity over quality, folks. Sadly, Stud Mushroom's Facebook page hasn't been updated since December. But if there's a StockPhotopia heaven, you know they've got a hell of a band.
It's Stud Mushroom.
Search Term: "Commodore"
PICTURED: Vanderbilt's film room.