With apologies to the dynamic personalities of Will Muschamp and Dan Mullen, the main event of SEC Media Days is when Steve Spurrier strides to the podium. You may remember last year, when Spurrier took to the microphone to openly question why colleges don't pay athletes, as well as why Notre Dame wouldn't go ahead and join the ACC. After his session, he treated himself to some horsey sauce in one of the greatest moments of the season that involved an Arby's.
It's going to be hilarious and awesome, because even though we already know 90% of what he's going to say, the extra 10% is always ten times more interesting than anything else that will be said over the course of the weekend. And hell, even the 90% includes classic Spurrier-isms that have stood the test of time and innumerable press conferences.
So what to expect? Here's a partial checklist of things to look for when Spurrier takes the the microphone.
- Shows up buzzed
- Shows up sober, leaves buzzed
- Shows up buzzed, leaves shithoused
- "We got some players."
- Glances at paper, reads in an inaudible mumble while journalist asks question
- Embarrasses journalist
- Cuts off journalist
- Jadeveon Clowney question
- Brings up golf game
- Comments upon another coach's golf game
- Alleges he'll coach for another four or five years
- Noogies Mike Bianchi
- Mike Bianchi asks terrible question, Twitter complains
- Backhanded compliment of Clemson/Dabo
- Uses the word "grind" in an an awkward way
- "Nicky Saban"
- Backhanded compliment of 2013 Volunteers
- Mentions Stephen Garcia
- Found drinking with Stephen Garcia
- Asked question by Stephen Garcia PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN, 5
- Mis-pronounces one of his own players' names
- Attempts to use a timeout in an ineffective manner
- "Did you know that?"
- Answer completely non-responsive to question posed
- "But anyway..."
- Is asked a question about his days at Florida
- Displays total recall of a game scenario from 10 or more years ago
- Suggests a topic for a journalist to investigate/write about
- Assures the crowd that Dylan Thompson can "run a little bit -- not like Connor of course, but a little bit"
- "We've got a chance to be a pretty good ballclub"
- "Oh I don't know about all that"
- "And so forth"
- "Oh we try not to get into all that. Making predictions and so forth. Catch a few bad breaks or have a few guys get hurt and you could find yourself fighting just to get bowl eligible."
- "Ten years ago I had buddies tell me, ‘Why you takin' that South Carolina job?'"
- Reflexively asks Glenn if he has a question
- Laughs at his own joke
Coach takes the mic at 10am on ESPNU. For the safety of you and those around you, GABA strongly discourages using this list in order to create a drinking game. However, if you choose to do so, we politely ask (1) you tell us how it went; and (2) you reduce the drink size for the items with an asterisk, as these will lead to death, dismemberment, or being suspended for the Texas A&M game.
SEC fans, meet the new Tim Tebow
Dylan Thompson likes Jesus. A lot. And he wants you to know how much he likes Jesus. He uses his Twitter feed to let you know that he's just here to honor Christ, bro. He considers it an objective of his to make Jesus more famous. Well, guess what Hoover, Ala.; if you haven't heard of Jesus Christ, that's about to change.
Oh, you asked Dylan a question about what it was like to step in for Connor Shaw and beat Clemson? Well, it's going to have to wait because Dylan has a verse from Ephesians that he'd like to read before he gets into all that. By comparison, Marcus Lattimore talks about the importance of his faith in a way that doesn't sound like he's trying to recruit you to join his church. Dylan Thompson's approach is much more heavy-handed. So brace yourselves for that.
This is all, of course, a review of Dylan Thompson, The Evangelist -- not Dylan Thompson, The Exceptionally Competent Football Player. I'm a big fan of the latter, and with any luck that's the guy to whom the majority of the media's questions will be addressed.
The other guys
Aside from the fact that both are veteran linemen, we don't know much about A.J. Cann and J.T. Surratt. Neither have established them as a particularly loud personality, at least insofar as we can see through the lens of post-game and post-practice interviews.
The media has showered Cann with preseason accolades, including praise as high as first-team All-America. Surratt is decidedly less heralded but is nevertheless the most experienced among a young and unproven group of defensive linemen. Cann gets back three of his four fellow offensive linemen from 2013, so expect the majority of the questioning to focus on that and what it's like to block for a guy like Mike Davis. Surratt, meanwhile, should be showered with questions about what it's like to be leader on such a young defense.
How in the hell is Mike Davis not going to this thing? It's not so much that Davis clearly should have been the choice over Cann or Surratt. Cann is about as accomplished as any Gamecock lineman has ever been, and I understand the need to have someone representing the defense. What stings is the knowledge that Mike Davis will never represent the Gamecocks at SEC Media Days. After seeing the way Clowney captivated the masses in Hoover last year, that's a shame. Davis has a dynamic personality and would have done great at this thing.