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What If: A Hipster Came Over for an SEC Football Game?

Ever wonder what it would be like to watch a riveting SEC football game (let's say USC-UGA) with one of these people? As someone that had a brief undergraduate interest in modal logic and a lifelong interest in Marvel What If?s, I do. Here's how I think it would go down.

Hipster knocks on the door of Gamecock Man's apartment. Gamecock Man lets Hipster into his apartment. Hipster has brought along a 6 pack of Koch's Golden Anniversary and a bag of circus peanuts.

Gamecock Man: Hey. What's with the circus peanuts?

Hipster: (With a slight smirk.) What, you hadn't heard that circus peanuts go great with Koch's? It's the perfect way to enjoy a football game.

Gamecock Man: Huh. OK. I'll take your word for it; I made some wings and think I'll eat those. And I'll stick to bourbon and coke for drinks.

Hipster: As you like it.

The game begins. The first half is close, but UGA takes a 13-7 lead into halftime after a late Stafford to Green TD.

Hipster: Was that guy that got burned on that TD named Captain Munnerlyn? What a name! I'm going to name my band after him. It'll really take people by surprise when they learn I named my band after a football player instead of a little-known seventies sitcom or an early-eighties video game.

Gamecock Man: Hmm. If you think that's a good rationale for naming your band, then go for it. But after hearing you try to play guitar the other night at that party, I wasn't under the impression you're ready for the big time.

Hipster: Man, technical proficiency has been out for a long time and will never make it back. You think the bands I like know what an augmented chord is?

Gamecock Man: (Shaking his head in sadness.) Point taken.

Over halftime wings/circus peanuts and Beam and Coke/Koch's, Gamecock Man decides to placate Hipster's disgust At the Drive-In album they're listening to by putting in Television's Marquee Moon, which Gamecock Man feels sure is an appropriate compromise.

Hipster: What is this? This is so 2002. Do you have anything by The Decemberists?

Gamecock Man: This is Television. This came out in the late 70s, not in 2002.

Hipster: Oh yeah? Never heard of them; I thought this was The Strokes. Seriously; what about The Decemberists?

Gamecock Man pretends not to hear this because halftime is coming to a close. Captain Munnerlyn returns the post-halftime kickoff for a TD; even Gamecock Man realizes the irony in this event. The game is close throughout the second half, and heading into the final minutes Carolina is down by 1 and driving around mid-field. A slightly drunken Hipster has been babbling incoherent, irrelevant jargon and buzzwords for most of the second half, much to Gamecock Man's chagrin.

Hipster: Hey man, I'm out of Koch's. You got any more swill around here?

Gamecock Man: Dude, I'm watching the game! Can't you wait two minutes?

Hipster: No.

Gamecock Man: OK, OK. How'd you like a Budweiser?

Hipster: Budweiser?! I don't drink that.

Gamecock Man: You drink Koch's; what's the difference?

Hipster seems put off by this blasphemous logic. Gamecock Man tries hard to think of something that might work.

Gamecock Man: (from the kitchen) How about a glass of this $3.99 bottle of sweet vermouth with one ice cube?

Hipster: (still in the living room) That sounds excellent. Hey, some guy named Smelley just threw an interception. And you guys were in FG range!

Gamecock Man smashes the bottle and chases Hipster out of his apartment with the jagged bottle before settling in for another dose of wondering what went wrong with his Saturday.