I've never actually interviewed Steven Neff, but If I did this is how I imagine it would go down.
The Feathered Warrior: Thanks for sitting down with GABA, Steven. We've been trying to set this up for a while now, so I'm glad we could catch up with you right before the team leaves for the College World Series. Are you excited about going back to Omaha?
Steven Neff: Oh, yeah! Doubly so. You know, going to the College World Series last year was great and all, but that's not really my bag. As soon as we got there I knew I wanted to go back this year. With any luck we'll be back next year, too, and make it a triple.
TFW: I know that would make a lot of Gamecock fans very happy. Do you think Jackie Bradley, Jr. will make a comeback this season?
SN: You never know with that kid. He's a competitor for sure. He's the apex of our outfield "Triple Crown," ya know? He, Marzilli, and I are like the Three Amigos. You can't be just a single guy out there in the outfield. You gotta have a trio. Maybe a duo.
TFW: Speaking of Jackie Bradley, Jr., it's pretty widely known that he frequents Chick-fil-a quite a bit. Do you have a favorite pre-game meal?
SN: The KFC Double Down. No Doubt about it.
TFW: Seriously? I bet that doesn't make the girlfriend too happy.
SN: No, no. I don't have a girlfriend.
TFW: Oh, right. I would imagine that living the single life is the way to go when you're a hot-shot athlete on a coll-
SN: I didn't say I was single.
TFW: Oh, well, uh... I thought you said you didn't have a girlfriend?
SN: I don't. But I'm not single.
TFW: O...K... My mistake. Let's move on. Do you have a favorite school subject?
SN: I'd probably have to go with bio chemistry. Right now we're studying the destabilizing effect of a fluorouracil extra base in a hybrid RNA duplex. Fascinating stuff.
TFW: Wow, that's a little heavy for me. What do you do to relax?
SN: You know, the same stuff everyone does. Play video games, watch movies, surf YouTube. Hey, there's this really funny video of this guy crying - literally bawling - because he sees a "full on" double rainbow. I mean he totally flips out. He must have been tripping serious balls.
TFW: Ha! Yeah, I've seen that one! Really funny stuff. So did you get to watch the NBA Finals?
SN: A little bit. Coach Tanner keeps us pretty busy with practice and all but the guys literally run home and catch the games if we can. I have to run because my car is in the shop right now. I have AAA, but the repairs are taking forever. But it's not too bad. Make for good conditioning. You know, I thought that Lebron trade was going to be a home run for the Miami heat, but I guess it was more like a strike out.
TFW: You literally run home? You never walk?
SN: Never.
***Author's note: I'm trying to get this published in the next issue of Highlights, complete with "Can you find all the references to Steven Neff's tendency to only belt extra-base hits? Turn this page upside down for the answer!"***