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SEC Media Day Predictions!

A Lighter Shade of Garnet returns with a slate of predictions for 2013 SEC Media Day.

Kelly Lambert

Fans, SEC Media Day is upon us! The media zoo in Hoover reminds us that the season is but 40-some days away, and we'd all better start talking about college football again. Because, you know, we totally haven't even thought about it since the spring game. Not once.

Anyway, there's always fun to be had in Hoover, so here's a list of mostly Gamecock-centric predictions as to what might come to pass in Hoover, AL.

• A bored Connor Shaw, Jadeveon Clowney, and Bruce Ellington kill time during a curious "layover" at the Augusta Regional Airport and wonder why their next flight isn't for 4.5 hours and where Spurrier went.

• An imposing manbeast from Rock Hill enters the media floor. "Let's eat," says Chris Low.

• Making no eye contact, Nick Saban tosses car keys at Butch Jones, tells him to park it in the shade and if there's so much as a tick-sized scratch he'll end up buried where no one will ever find him.

• Connor Shaw clears his throat into microphone, loudly mentions, "Third year senior starting QB over here, 17-3 as a starter" as oblivious media throngs jockey for spots around Clowney.

• Steve Spurrier's opening statement is interrupted after three seconds when a sparkler-wielding Stephen Garcia streaks through the lobby.

• Polite as always, Bruce Ellington again offers a perfunctory chuckle after fielding an eighth consecutive question that features a basketball pun.

• Jadeveon Clowney answers a bunch of dumb questions about the Heisman and sitting out and his 40 time and media throngs write stories about what he says and then people talk about those stories a lot.

• While attendees break for lunch, crew member takes a belt sander to podium covered in Will Muschamp's bite marks.

• Bruce Ellington and Connor Show blow whistles while tandem-juggling flaming scimitars as media throngs watch Clowney check his phone.

• A profusely sweating Johnny Manziel struggles to restrain himself when a pair of co-ed event staffers accidentally spill olive oil and whipped cream all over themselves.

• Clowney runs a 4.5...dollar tab up at the snack bar as they are selling Mountain Dew Code Red and that's his fav.

• Steve Spurrier wows media with stylish eyewear, actually the Google Glass he's been using to covertly watch British Open practice rounds.

• Bruce Ellington and Connor Shaw play Go Fish in an empty press room while media throngs set up tent village next to Jadeveon Clowney as he eats a Wheat Thin.

• A caped and masked Dabo Swinney tries to play "Tiger Rag" on an enormous pipe organ in the basement, but falls short because he can't play the organ and it's actually a pile of rats.

• Jadeveon Clowney sighs in relief after taking seat on his departing charter flight; is quickly horrified when familiar-looking flight attendant asks his drink preference and whether he has carcinoma.