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Mop With Handwritten Sign Affixed to Roomba emerges as leading DC candidate

The darkhorse candidate would mark the first inanimate object to serve as defensive coordinator in SEC history.

Lorenzo Ward may still be the South Carolina Gamecocks' defensive coordinator, but a name as already emerged as his possible replacement. Mop With Handwritten Sign Affixed to a Roomba, currently serving as a standalone mop, roomba, and piece of cardstock, has caught the attention of South Carolina head coach Steve Spurrier.

"Traditional? Nah. But 'traditional' didn't do us a whole lotta good this year," said Spurrier in a Monday teleconference, his voice doing little to mask the sounds of peeling duct tape and AA batteries snapping into place. "I think we need to simplify things. We've got good athletes. Why complicate the message?"


Not much is known about Mop With Handwritten Sign Affixed to a Roomba, but according to noted College Football Insider Davis Muldoon, the move could be just what the Gamecocks need. "This team needs a jolt on defense, and Mop With Handwritten Sign Affixed to a Roomba is the sort of new-school defensive mind that the modern player responds to."

According to Muldoon, Mop With Handwritten Sign Affixed to a Roomba utilizes a bare-bones defensive approach, generally conveyed in one word directives that boil the complicated world of defensive strategy down to essentials. "It's an element of instruction that these players were severely lacking."

Added Muldoon: "Maybe someone—or something—needs to tell these kids they're supposed to tackle."


Not just a sideline dynamo, Mop With Handwritten Sign Affixed to a Roomba is a force to be reckoned with on the recruiting trail. "I'm told it can be very persuasive," explained Muldoon. "Parents really appreciate his forthright, no-nonsense approach during in-home visits. They also appreciate that it is a Roomba that removes pet hair and dust particles from their carpet and hardwood surfaces."

Whether or not Mop With Handwritten Sign Affixed to a Roomba earns the position, it's clear he's in the running. "I won't comment on any staff decisions that may or may not be coming, but it's obvious something has to change if we want to win some more ball games next year," said Spurrier over the sound of a cordless drill. "We'll talk about it and decide what our best plan is, and let y'all no soon. OUCH! I tell ya, these drill bits get hotter'n a son of a bitch."