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South Carolina state senate passes resolution honoring Bruce Ellington, we guess what it might've said

We hereby resolve that Bruce Ellington is a bad, bad man.

David Manning-USA TODAY Sports

The South Carolina state senate recognized Bruce Ellington's scholastic and athletic achievements at the University of South Carolina by passing a resolution in his honor.

Garnet And Black Attack was granted exclusive access to the text of the resolution.

Whereas Bruce Ellington served as a fine ambassador of our state, garnering unanimous praise and admiration even when ripping out the hearts of men from other American states;

Whereas Bruce Ellington demonstrated uncommon courage and self-sacrifice by entering a voluntary agreement to play basketball for Darrin Horn;

Whereas Bruce Ellington's college career is filled with examples of him doin' balling-ass shit, like throwing a touchdown pass and catching two more IN THE SAME DAMN GAME;

Whereas this whole charade is a pretty poor use of taxpayer money, to be honest, but at least we're passing a silly resolution instead of homophobic legislation;


Whereas this is going to be super awkward for the Clemson graduates in the Senate, given his three touchdown catches and wins over the flagship university's little brother;

Whereas Bruce Ellington is a paragon of physical fitness, making him an ideal mating partner as we look toward the continuation and betterment of our species;

Whereas Bruce Ellington is a native of Monck's Corner which is a ridiculous name for a town if you think about it;

Whereas Bruce Ellington is of kin to current NFL player Andre Ellington and yes this is just an excuse to link this;

Now, therefore, be it resolved that primary schools throughout the state of South Carolina shall be encouraged to adopt an Ellington-based curriculum that recognizes Bruce Ellington as the creator of Heaven and Earth.

The "Go Cocks" have it.