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South Carolina's SEC Network Ad, Reviewed By A Guy Who Just Awoke from a Decade-Long Coma

Guys, he's just happy to be alive.

Disclaimer: At least one GABA writer thinks Manatee-related comas are funny. Deal with it.
Disclaimer: At least one GABA writer thinks Manatee-related comas are funny. Deal with it.

[guy in hospital bed wakes up]

"He...hello? Where am I? What's going on? Oh, hey Janet! What's the matter? Why are you weeping tears of joy and shouting for a nurse? Am I in the hospital? Janet, get it together. Are you still not over the Friends finale? Explain what's going on!

" accident? In 2005? I was thrown from a Jetski and faceplanted on a rogue manatee and fell into a coma? Wait, it's 2014? OH MY GOD. I've been under for a decade? I'm 46, is what you're telling me? This is so much to process, Janet.

"Look, Janet, I want to hear about everything. How the kids are, major world events,'ve the Gamecocks been doing? Uh huh. Uh huh. What? Are you serious? We've beaten Clemson five years in a row? Three consecutive 11-win season? Get out! Who took over after Spurrier left? HE'S STILL HERE? I can't believe it! Tell me more! Yeah? Wait, who the hell is Jadeveon Clowney?

"Guess I've got some catching up to do. Say, is there any sort of brief montage I can watch to get a sense of the state Gamecock of football? What's that? A new SEC Television Network released a series of team-centric videos just this morning? How timely! I guess we'll have to find the nearest laptop computer in order to view it. Do you still have that Dell Inspiron 5150? Oh, what's this thing? An 'Eye Pad?' Can it access YouTube, the upstart website that hosts minutes-long videos with no invasive advertising whatsoever? It can? Well, let's fire it up!

"Ah, there she is. Willy B! Sure are a lot of towels there. The place looks great! Huh, this EDM song is growing increasingly louder. Hopefully it'll give way to the strains of 2001, or the fight song. Oh, those fans look happy. Wow, this song's still going. Oh, there's Sir Big Spur! Hey fella!

"Huh. So that was it? Kinda felt like a relatively generic sequence of stadium/crowd shots overlaid with a stock techno track. Oh, it's a song from 1999 called 'Sandstorm' by Finnish DJ Darude? Sorry, I'm not a big EDM guy. Any reason they chose it for the video? Really? It's become an unofficial stadium anthem? Huh. I guess I could see that. It's pretty energetic. And only we use it? Oh, a number of other schools and professional teams use it, too?

"No, I get it. Just seems like they could have gone with something a bit more—I dunno—unique and enduring? Like, doesn't 'rowdy fan shots over a techno song' seem a little typical? Maybe they could have shown Cocky, or a few Gamecock greats like George Rogers or Troy Williamson (who I imagine is close to wrapping up a Hall of Fame NFL career!), or some campus shots. And again, a few seconds of the 2001 entrance would have been nice.

"Oh, you know what? It's fine. Really. Hell, I'm lucky to be alive and here I am criticizing a thirty second publicity video. It probably could have been better, sure, but who's gonna remember this in two weeks' time.

"By the way, Janet: whatever happened to Darius Rucker?"