[flashy intro graphic package, thumping sports show intro music]
Al Butterspine: Welcome to Molten Sports Takes Daily, your source for only the most smoldering sports takes on today's hot-button topics. I'm your host, Al Butterspine, and with me as always are our very own studio experts, X'at the Cro-Magnon Man and Breakdancing Robot. How are we today, guys?
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: UNGGH.
Breakdancing Robot:
Al Butterspine: Gentlemen, let's leap right into the discussion. We're a month out from the NFL Draft, and the player the nation can't stop talking about is South Carolina defensive end Jadeveon Clowney. X'at, we'll start with you. What are your impressions of Clowney?
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: UUNGGH. ME KNOW TWO THING: ONE. SUN IS NOT STAR. SUN IS OONGA-BOKKA, CREATOR OF ALL THING WHO LIVE IN SKY FOR DAY AND IS CHASE OFF AT NIGHT BY EVIL MOON TWIN MOXKAR. ME WORSHIP OONGA-BOKKA. ME KILL IBEX FOR OONGA-BOKKA. ME STARE AT OONGA-BOKKA FOR HOUR AT TIME, MAKE EYE FILL WITH BLACK DOT. UUUNGH
OTHER THING ME KNOW: JADEVEON CLOWNEY GREAT PLAYER BUT HAVE CHARACTER ISSUE. ME THINK THIS NOT IMPORTANT SINCE ALL CREATURE HAVE CHARACTER ISSUE EXCEPT OONGA-BOKKA
Al Butterspine: And you're referring to the perceived work ethic issues, the recent spate of speeding tickets?
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: UNGGGH. PROBABLY. ME HEAR THING ON TV SO ME SAY AGAIN ON TV. IT VICIOUS CYCLE
Al Butterspine: So now let's go to Breakdancing Robot, are your thoughts generally in line with X'at's, or do you tend to think Clowney's not worth the risk?
Breakdancing Robot:
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: IF X'AT COULD PIGGY BACK ON ROBOT POINT, ME ALSO THINK IT WORTH NOTE THAT CLOWNEY STAT DOWN IN 2013. YES HE SCHEMED AGAINST BUT IS SAME FOR OONGA-BOKKA. MOON TWIN MOXKAR SCHEME AGAINST OONGA-BOKKA EACH NIGHT BUT OONGA-BOKKA RETURN IN MORNING TO OFFER LIGHT. THAT WHY X'AT BUILD TOWERING OBELISK IN HONOR. UNTIL CLOWNEY GET OBELISK X'AT REMAIN SKEPTICAL. UUUUUUUNGGGGH
Al Butterspine: You bring up a good point, X'at. Should NFL GMs hesitate when they look at the statsheet for this past season?
Breakdancing Robot:
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: AND TO TAKE FURTHER, IT BRING UP QUESTION ABOUT LOVE OF GAME. CLOWNEY LOVE GAME? CLOWNEY DIE FOR GAME? CLOWNEY KILL IBEX FOR GAME? THESE ALL IMPORTANT QUESTION TEXAN MUST ANSWER BEFORE DRAFT START
Al Butterspine: With that, it's time for the lightning round! We'll ask our experts a series of quickfire questions, and they've got three seconds to respond. Gentlemen, are we ready?
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: X'AT NEED CHANGE DIAPER
Breakdancing Robot:
Al Butterspine: Ready! Set! [soundbite of dog saying "I LOVE YOU"] And we're off! Question one: does Clowney win rookie of the year in 2014?
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: IF OONGA-BOOKA MAKE IT SO
Breakdancing Robot:
Al Butterspine: Question two: if the Texans pass, how far does Clowney fall?
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: HE FALL TO NFL VERSION OF EVIL MOON TWIN MOXKAR ALSO KNOWN AS JACKSONVILLE JAGUAR
Breakdancing Robot:
Al Butterspine: Final question: you're the Houston Texans. Do you take Clowney over a very good quarterback like Blake Bortles?
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: [eats lapel mic]
Breakdancing Robot:
[soundbyte of toilet flushing]
Al Butterspine: And that means our lightning round is over! Folks, thanks for joining us on Molton Sports Takes Daily. If you missed it, tune in again tomorrow or any day leading up to the draft to hear us rehash this argument. Or better yet, jam woodscrews in both your ears for a similar degree of mental stimulation!
X'at the Cro-Magnon Man: UUUNGH. X'AT SEE IBEX. X'AT SLAUGHTER IBEX FOR SACRIFICE TO OONGA-BOOKA [leaps over desk]
Al Butterspine: X'at, no! That's a production intern! NO NOT THE SPEAR NOT THE SP-
[colored bars]