- Alabama Crimson Tide - Nick Saban’s merry band of machines cruised past Arkansas, and still didn’t look like they were firing on all cylinders. Either this team is sandbagging everyone, or they really aren’t the best team in the country, or everyone else is just butt.
- Texas A&M Aggies - If you don’t have fun watching this team play football, you need professional help. Or maybe I need professional help. Either way. Last week’s victory over Zombie Tennessee proved that the Aggies are (probably) for real.
- Ole Miss Rebels - Even on a bye week, Chad Kelly is still the best internet version of a ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ book.
- Auburn Tigers - This seems high, but what the heck they’ve got to go somewhere, and the ground game looked awesome last week. Also when you’ve got a running back named Kamryn Pettway you’re alright with me.
- Tennessee Volunteers - Tennessee finally lost a game when trailing by more than two touchdowns at the half. Anything is possible now.
- Arkansas Razorbacks - Bret Bielema’s got everyone right where he wants them: focusing on how good ‘Bama looked while he’s over in the corner stuffing extra biscuits in his pocket.
- LSU Tigers - Gotta keep everyone’s favorite Swamp Uncle right here because at least they wanted to play the game last week. (Looking at you, Florida.)
- Florida Gators - You heard me.
- Georgia Bulldogs - Looked okay against South Carolina, probably should’ve kicked that field goal, and Jacob Eason is, well, a Freshman quarterback, but this team is going to be fine once they force Kirby Smart to wear a hat that doesn’t look stupid on his head.
- Missouri Tigers - You’re in the top ten in something, Mizzou. Be happy.
- Mississippi State Bulldogs - Cannot figure out this team to save my life. Decent all over the board, but just cannot put together all of the pieces when it matters. That being said, they will probably win 6 or 7 games and upset one of the big boys at the end of their schedule and I’ll look stupid.
- Kentucky Wildcats - Y’all beat Vandy. You get to move up one.
- Vanderbilt Commodores - Y’all lost to Kentucky. This is your home now.
The South Carolina Gamecocks and their vaunted 117th ranked offense, after their 28-14 loss to the Georgia Bulldogs in week 6, have been placed in time-out for this week, maybe indefinitely, and the author has donned the cone of shame.