- Alabama Crimson Tide - The greatest trick the devil ever pulled? convincing the world he didn’t exist. Nick Saban’s birthday is literally on Halloween and ‘Bama just happened to have a bye week while a bunch of undefeated teams got knocked off? Makes you think...
- Auburn Tigers - It almost seemed a little weird putting a hat wearin’ Gus Malzahn Auburn program with a quarterback that has a name eerily similar to that tomato dude from the X-Games in the number two slot, but then they pounded Ole Miss like a 99-cent veal cutlet. The Iron Bowl is going to be fun, we hope.
- Texas A&M Aggies - Who would’ve thought, that with all of that talent at wide receiver, we’d be heaping praise on Texas A&M’s running game? But, the SEC will do that to an innovative offense, Kevin. Still, like a moon rock or a tarantula under glass, the Aggies are a peculiar specimen: you’re not quite sure what to do with it but it’s awful neat to look at. What’s even more peculiar? if they win out, there’s more than one scenario that puts them in the playoff conversation.
- LSU Tigers - It’s amazing what flushing that Les Miles out of your system can do for vitality and wellness. Not to mention time seems to move a little more smoothly.* This week’s upcoming game against the methodical death machine is going to be great.
- Florida Gators - A destructive Florida defense led by a perilous, at best, offense killed UGA in the cocktail party by nothing more than being the less-bad football team in Jacksonville. Stop me if you’ve heard this story before.
- Ole Miss Rebels - Some people think Hugh Freeze is kinda preachy, well, this past week’s sermon was tad bit dark, even for the Presbyterians in the room.** Auburn poured cold water on y’all faster than that time you tried to get frisky with your lady on national TV.
- Kentucky Wildcats - Something must be off with the water supply in Lexington, because people are actually paying attention to Football after the middle of October. Unless something changes, we’re gonna have to watch y’all kick another sad field goal against Bama in Atlanta.
- Arkansas Razorbacks - The Hogs have taken a left turn so fast you’d think you were watching Bobby Petrino driving a motorcycle, but, #NovemBERT is upon us, and we all know that this team has too much talent to stink this bad.
- Missississippi State Bulldogs - Nick Fitzgerald accounted for 7 touchdowns as CLANGA racked up 669 yards against Samford last week. Don’t mind that they allowed the 3rd place team in the SoCon to put up 627 yards and 41 points. You can’t give State fans too much information all at once.
South Carolina Gamecocks - The Gamecocks have pulled off an upset, now they have to avoid laying an egg in next week’s
arbitrary made-up rivalrygame against Mizzou. A win next week means Carolina might go bowling in their first post-Spurrier season and sports pundits everywhere have to eat their hats.
- Tennessee Volunteers - What do a Golden Corral Sunday buffet and the Tennessee Volunteers have in common? NEITHER OF ‘EM HAVE BEATEN WILL MUSCHAMP.***
- Georgia Bulldogs - Well, there’s a reason why they don’t sing glory, glory to new Georgia.
- Vanderbilt Commodores - There’s nothing about this team that’s remarkable, other than they handed Georgia a signature loss. Hopefully they’ll finish 6-6 so we can watch Derek Mason square off with James Franklin in the TaxSlayer Bowl.
- Missouri Tigers - Michigan State, Tulsa, and Tulane****. Those are three teams ranked higher than you in S&P+ defense. Bad Truman, bad kitty.*****
*Les Miles is a time-traveling wizard from another dimension. Don’t @ me.
**Apologies to the Presbyterians, but, y’all are a little bit into the brimstone stuff.
***The author has been fired for this awful joke. Feel free to apply to SBNation.com to replace him, please.
***** Seriously. TULANE.