All across the Palmetto State folks will celebrate Thanksgiving with family and friends, right? Your immediate family mixed in with some in-laws or possibly neighbors, but there might be some Clemson folks sitting at the table too. How did they get here? Who invited them? Or even worse, you’re the lone one asking yourself, “why am I here?” GABA readers, we are here to help and guide you. Suffering through Thanksgiving with your sister’s meathead boyfriend, Cousin Eddy or smug faced Clemson in-laws, you NEED this Thanksgiving Survival Pack.
enemies friends n’ family are on the way in their tacky orange or purple sweatshirt and the minivan plastered in IPTAY stickers. The first thing you need is a backpack. Why a backpack? Because you need to load up and become nomadic soon after their (or your) arrival. You’re not going on an expedition, you just need to get the hell out of the house for a few hours.
Normally, you have bandages, band-aids, and antiseptic wipes in a survival kit, but not this time. You need booze. Think vodka. It can be mixed with just about anything. Tito’s vodka is a good start. Depending how many taters are present at the table, a good bourbon will carry you through the long cold day and into the night. You can always go straight to shots if they start talking about Deshaun Watson ad nauseam. You might consider using a canteen, but nothing wrong stuffing a bottle or three in the backpack.
If this were as bad as last season, I’d tell you to throw the chair through the window to set the tone for your Thanksgiving dinner but this year we don’t need to do that. You’ll need a folding chair. Why? Because chairs are hard to come by during Thanksgiving gatherings. The elderly will certainly be sitting the entire time without moving an inch. Invest in a good chair that you can easily fold up and move when you need to. Trust me. You’ll need to move around some.
NOISE CANCELING HEADPHONES
Thanksgiving is a meal that lasts less than an hour, yet it’s an ALL day affair leading up to the meal. If you’re lucky, you’re eating at noon (requirement for all church hosted events) but if it’s late afternoon, then you are on the couch, which means you’re probably stuck watching the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, and which means you’re sandwiched between klempson folks that want prattle on about how lucky they are to have Dabo Sweeny. A good pair of noise canceling headphones should do the trick. Slip them on and enjoy the silence.
2001 SPACE ODYSSEY THEME MUSIC
If you are hosting and cooking the turkey, why not some theme music. Have someone play 2001 Space Odyssey as you walk towards the table with Turkey.
At night, Death Valley 2.0 can cause seizure on 3rd down plays. It’s been said, the stadium scoreboards turn into giant strobe lights that act as a distraction to opposing teams. Why not create a distraction If they want to bring up last years lost to the Citadel. Just flick on the strobe light and put on the headphones.
Thanksgiving is all about family and friends. Spending time together and catching up. It’s also about being thankful for the many blessings you have. Sure, you’ll eat a lot of turkey and want to take a nap. Maybe you watch the parades, or the Cowboys and Redskins game. But make no mistake about it, there will be discussions to be had about the Gamecocks and Tigers. Hopefully, you’re prepared and you can survive. Happy Thanksgiving and Go Cocks!