- Alabama Crimson Tide - Nick Saban will probably murder you if you try to tell him that Mick Jagger sucks; imagine what he’s going do to Auburn this weekend. They don’t do anything exceptionally well, except suck the life right out of you.
Florida Gators - Just gonna stick the Gators here just to make ‘em nervous about playing the steamroller from Roger Rabbit in Atlanta. Hey,
don’t lose to FSU in hilarious fashiongood luck against Florida State this weekend!
- Auburn Tigers - Looked really great against [team redacted] so they could really have a shot next week against Alab-LOL GOOD LUCK Y’ALL BREAK A LEG HOPEFULLY NOT AN ARM OR A PELVIS
- Texas A&M Aggies - Other than having some sort of allergy to schools from Mississippi, this is a good football team. I really have no explanation for this selection at all other than nope I have no explanation.
- LSU Tigers - The Ghost of Les Miles incepted Ed Orgeron’s brain for the final seconds of the Florida game, and probably ushered in the era of [insert coaching name rumor here], but you’ve got to hand it to them...that defense is spicier than Louisiana Spicy Chili. Don’t click that link.
- Arkansas Razorbacks - [refreshed ‘Ahhhhh.’] “Nothing says NovemBERT like a shootout win against the worst team in the SEC West.” [swirls wine in glass, sips, spits into cut-off Mountain Dew can.]
- Tennessee Volunteers - Score 63 points? Good. Allow Missouri to rack up 740 yards? Not so good. Still eligible for the Sugar Bowl? Sports are weird, man.
- Georgia Bulldogs - Georgia finally figured out that allowing Nick Chubb to have more than eight carries is actually a good thing. If they can continue to use common sense, that bodes well for the Dawgs heading in to their annual re-enactment of the Homecoming Carnival from Revenge of the Nerds.
- Kentucky Wildcats - You know who else doesn’t show up until the second quarter? Kentucky’s fans.
- South Carolina Gamecocks - Won more games than everyone below so guess what this is where we are. If that defense shows up against Clemson, though, somebody’s going to have to call in FEMA to get our boys out.
- Vanderbilt Commodores - I can only imagine that Vanderbilt’s defense is what happens when you cross a vigilante seaman with a YETI cooler: unnecessarily tough, wildly expensive, full of salt, and completely out of place strapped to a 1987 Ford Ranger.
- Ole Miss Rebels - I think it’s really odd that there’s only one ‘l’ in ‘Ole Miss’ because I count six.
- Mississippi State Bulldogs - Mississippi State’s team is a lot like cheap Mexican restaurant cheese dip: it’s almost entirely devoid of flavor, color, or nutrition and you’re 100% guaranteed to get some on your shoe.
- Missouri Tigers -
Alabama’s still good and the rest of you are on double-secret probation.