Trick or Treating in the SEC

Well good morning, everyone! Did we all enjoy Halloween? If you’re too old for trick-or-treating now, I have good news! It’s November 1st, the day you get to raid your kid’s bag or plastic pumpkin and see what treasures await you inside!

Sometimes, if you know your neighbors well enough, you can look into that candy carrier and figure out which of your kids’ treats came from where. So, let’s do that with SEC football coaches based on how well we know their personalities.

Let’s pretend we all live in a neighborhood called “SEC Estates.” Here’s what we can assume the various coaches gave out last night. This is done in alphabetical order of the school they coach.

NICK SABAN - Alabama swag

This treat seems more thoughtful than it actually is. Saban isn’t a man that wants to invest time in your kid’s happiness. He’s not here for frivolity! Every second shopping for candy is a second of recruiting wasted! He had Brenda in HR throw a bunch of crap from the office in a bag, not unlike that dentist in your neighborhood that used to give out toothbrushes.

BRET BIELEMA - No candy, but he has turned his garage into an elaborate haunted house.

Well, I mean, great effort Bret, but this isn’t really what we had in mind. Is it fun? Sure. Do we all enjoy your wife’s witch costume with the low-cut top? Of course. But I mean, no candy? You didn’t deliver the ultimate result we were looking for. And that folks, is the Bielema era in Fayetteville in a nutshell.

GUS MALZAHN - Candy Corn

If you want to make fun, go right ahead, but I like candy corn. I think it’s delicious, but it only works as a treat because of its limited availability. Yes, I know Brach’s makes Christmas and Easter candy corn, but there’s a reason no one buys them. The problem for ol’ Gus is he keeps doling out candy corn year after year, day after day even when Halloween is long over. It was fun at first, but now, unless it is the best damn candy corn you have ever tasted, his neighbors hope he either changes things up or just moves out.

JIM MCELWAIN - Nothing.

The light on the porch is off.

KIRBY SMART - Reese’s Cups

It’s the classic treat. Everyone loves it! When he first moved into the neighborhood, everyone was worried he wouldn’t have much to offer, but now he is the bell of the ball, the house kids try to hit a second time because they know mom and dad will inevitably dig through and try to get some of the good stuff the Smarts are handing out.

MARK STOOPS - Jolly Ranchers

When you first hear that the Stoops house is handing out Jolly Ranchers you think “Gross. Why?” But then, as the “good candy” starts to get eaten you find a watermelon JR at the bottom of your pumpkin as the only means of satisfying your sweet tooth. You pop it in your mouth and are reminded “Oh yeah. These are pretty good.” Sure, Old Man Stoops is working with lesser talent, but he delivers.

ED ORGERON - Whole deep fried turkeys

Also, he answers the door shirtless. The man is a wild card. God only knows what he is going to hand out to the kids. He may offer to arm wrestle your son if he takes a liking to the boy’s Chewbacca mask and decides he wants it for himself. No one is put off by this behavior though. Everyone takes the turkey with a smile, knowing they can freeze it till Thanksgiving, and walks away from the door saying “I’m glad the Orgerons moved in.”

DAN MULLEN - Full-size bars

It doesn’t matter what kind of candy it is. Dan is just out to impress the neighbors. He’d like to move into a better house and he has decided the best way to get the HOA on his side is to endear himself to the president’s obese children.

BARRY ODOM - Dots, Bottle Caps, maybe some Easter candy

The Odoms gotta get it together. Are they even trying? Do you even Halloween, bro? I mean, they get the basics of the holiday: kids come to your door, you give them candy. But they don’t seem to understand that the goal is to make the kids happy. Barry might even shout things at the children that run through his yard like a bunch of animals instead of using the driveway, like “We live in a civilized neighborhood. Let’s act like it,” or “Hey! That lawn is worth more than your dad makes in a month!”. The Odoms would be better off skipping Halloween next year.

MATT LUKE - Some crappy plastic toys

The Lukes don’t do Halloween like you and me. Maybe they have a kid with severe food allergies. Maybe they are binge eaters that can’t stop themselves when chocolate is around. Whatever the deal, the rules for a what makes a successful Halloween are different for the Luke house.

WILL MUSCHAMP - Hershey Bars

Hershey bars aren’t flashy. They aren’t complicated. They get the job done. Sure, sometimes you look around at the other houses and wonder why they have more exciting options like Snickers and Twix but all you get is a Hershey bar, but you know what? A Hershey bar is chocolate, and any chocolate on Halloween is a win, and Will Muschamp just keeps giving you Hershey bars. So maybe shut up and just enjoy your candy, jerk.

BUTCH JONES - Raisins

“Sweet merciful crap, Butch! Who told you raisins were a good idea?” you might shout/ask as he pulls out his finest crystal punch bowl filled to the brim with miniature Sun-Maid boxes. Butch Jones doesn’t bat an eye. He doesn’t waste a second. He launches into the most passionate defense of raisins you’ve ever heard. “Raisins are nature’s candy, and I’m not so arrogant as to question nature,” he says. “Maybe you are, but I’m not. Besides, raisins are about effort and patience. Do you know how much those grapes sacrificed to get where they are now?” Whether because you’re convinced or floored by the sheer stupidity of what he is saying, you thank him for the raisins and walk away.

KEVIN SUMLIN - Hershey Cookies and Cream bars

When you first heard someone was giving these out, you were excited. I mean they maybe the candy designed for the bite-size format: great for a taste, but too much and it’s disappointing. Maybe even a little sour. But Kevin Sumlin doesn’t just give you one Hershey Cookies and Cream bar. He gives you multiple handfuls. You walk away from his house thinking “what the hell am I going to do with all these?” and end up dumping your bag out by the Sumlins’ mailbox.

DEREK MASON - Double Bubble

It’s great for about three minutes and then gets spit out in the trash. You get it.