Forget the wheel. Forget fire. The telephone? The Internet? The printing press?
Phooey to all of them, says I!
Mankind’s greatest invention is the Bloomin’ Onion.
I mean look at it. Are you aroused? It’s okay if you are. Bloomin’ Onion won’t tell.
One of the greatest moments in the history of South Carolina football history involves the Bloomin’ Onion. You remember it. It was the Outback Bowl way back in the year 2013.
No, not that moment. I mean, that moment was sweet, but the greatest thing to come out of that Outback Bowl came the next day.
That’s right. The Cocks made it possible for all of America to enjoy the deep fried goodness of hot onion petals, the tangy “I know there’s horseradish, but it’s something else too” flavor of Bloomin’ sauce, and the greasy bottom layer of the onion that turns the batter into something you could use to patch a hole in a log cabin.
God bless that 2012 Carolina team, for like Vincent Smith’s helmet, you soared! You took us all to a place we dare not dream to go, a place where a fancier version of onion rings costs the same as a glass of water.
But alas, 2013 is no more. The 2017 team may not have finished with the same record, but this year 8-4 was good enough to send the Gamecocks back to Tampa. On the other side of the field will again be the Michigan Wolverines. The result must be the same.
More importantly, the 2012 team was not coached by Will Muschamp. Given what coach has already given us when asked about the solar eclipse and Star Wars, can you imagine the gem of a soundbite he would give? Even if you think there’s a chance you might lose your credential, someone has to ask him about the Bloomin’ Onion!
It is no mistake that every year the SEC is represented by the Bloomin’ Onion at the Outback Bowl. Like the SEC, the Bloomin’ Onion is all about tradition. For so long, it carried the torch for the whole Outback Steakhouse menu. Sure, in recent years some other appetizers have caught up, but the Bloomin’ Onion is still in a class all its own. You might even say it just means more.
So I say let the
Big Ten B1G be represented by some idiot dressed like a coconut shrimp. Besides, anyone with a pallet for upscale, casual dining fare, knows that the superior coconut shrimp is served at Bahama Breeze.
Like the top two teams in their conference, the coconut shrimp is vastly overrated. Dare I say, if I am power ranking shrimp, it goes:
Oh, look at that. Just like your conference, coconut shrimp doesn’t even make the top 4!
I am proud to say the conference I grew up loving, the conference I was born into is represented every January 1st by this.
Win Gamecocks! Don’t just do it for the fans or the state of South Carolina. Do it for all the American men that immediately say “How about Outback?” when their girlfriends ask if they can go somewhere nice dinner tonight. Do it for ladies that have to put up with their blind date’s terrible Australian accent when Cheryl from work tells them they would really hit it off with her cousin. “He’s a scream!”
Those people, Carolina, your people, they deserve that free Bloomin’ Onion. So when you run out of that tunnel at Raymond James Stadium and look up, the first thing you’ll think is “Is that a bar on a pirate ship?” The next thing you should think is “Somewhere in Wisconsin there’s a man who’s doctor has told him to lay off the cheese curds and eat more vegetables. I want to make that easier for him.”
Go Cocks! Go SEC! Go Bloomin’ Onion!