After days of restless deliberation, the South Carolina Football Coaching Search Rejection Committee adjourned today, armed with a fresh list of candidates that don't fit their profile of who should lead the Gamecocks program (here is their first batch). From a former Big 12 coach, to a coach who padded his resume with fiction to get a job at one of the most storied programs in college football, to the outright fictional, this week's list ran the gamut. Here are the latest names to be regretfully turned down by our Committee.
(By the way, more serious and non-satirical coverage can be found in our coaching search hub, right here.)
Dan Sweeney - Bo Pelini
Another former head coach of a 1990s powerhouse. That'd be three in a row for us. Holtz and Notre Dame. Spurrier and Florida. Of course, Pelini wasn't actually the coach of those 90s Nebraska teams - he was too busy coaching in the NFL. The National Football League...heard of it? Kind of a big deal...ok, ok. I can't talk myself into this one. Yes, Bo and his cat never won less than 9 games and took home four division titles. But I just can't get excited over a Big 12 I title and B10 Legends (remember when that was a thing?) division title. Both offer lesser competition in their respective conferences. We're looking for consistent quarterback play and development here at South Carolina, and we just can't see ourselves supporting a man who started Taylor Martinez for four years. Thank you very much for your application, but... /sees smoke start pouring out of Coach Bo's ears, Pelini reaches for his ballcap..um, we'll reach out to you later today! Thankyouverymuch!
DC3 - George O'Leary
Doctor O'Leary's application was certainly one of the most impressive resumes received. However, despite previous career accomplishments including Special Advisor to the White House in 1963, Pilot Instructor in Miramar, CA during 1986, Chairman of the Applied Sciences division of Wayne Enterprises, and the Nobel Laureate of 1971, the University could not accept his application for the position of head coach. After multiple attempts to reach his residence at Catoctin Mountain Park were unsuccessful, and numerous calls to his mobile phone (555-867-5309) went unreturned, the University was precluded from conducting a secondary interview and, regrettably, decided to remove Dr. O'Leary's name from consideration.
Sydney - "Mr." Coach Klein
Klein did a masterful recruiting job in molding waterboy Bobby Boucher into the most celebrated recruit in South Central Louisiana State history. Concerns about Boucher's intelligence and aggression were raised due to the fact that during one college class, he was unable to identify a part of the brain that controls feelings and emotions - after being mocked for his answer by his professor, he tackled him and caused significant injury. However, Boucher's performance on the field led a long moribund program to their first bowl appearance in a number of years, where they defeated the University of Lousiana, led by Klein's former colleague, Red Beaulieu (Boucher ironically served as Louisiana's waterboy before getting fired, and Klein, celebrated for his masterful playcalling, was forced to resign from UL following a nervous breakdown suffered after Beaulieu stole his ideas). Critics, though, have decried Klein for relying too heavily on one player, and without Boucher, there are doubts that he'll be able to replicate the success he enjoyed with his leading tackler and if he will be able to connect with today's recruits. Klein's whereabouts are unknown after vanishing after the team's Bourbon Bowl victory in 1998. (*A plus, noted by a friend of the Committee: Klein did lead his team to a victory over Clemson that same year.)
Richard Avant - Jon Gruden
Gruden's name ALWAYS comes up when a coaching job opens. Pros or College. For whatever reason, people think he can return to football and have success again, even though he hasn't coached football since 2008 and college football since 1991. Not to say he can't, but Jon Hoke's return after a 14 year drought from college hasn't been so sweet either. There is always someone out there though on a message board when their school or NFL team has a head coaching opening, trying to find the connection from Gruden's past to see if he ever associated himself with your school/team. Well, GRUDEN!....While everyone else wants you, we'll pass! But wait! Gruden did call the game where Clowney obliterated Vincent Smith of Michigan in the Capital One Bowl! Maybe this means he might want to be the head coach here! C'mon! Who wouldn't want to coach for Spider 2 Y Banana, huh, MAN!?!