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Because, I mean, we need something entertaining, right?

Listen, The Optimist doesn’t know what you guys are so upset about. He had a great weekend going through a series of movies you guys may have heard of. He’s not at all aware of a football game that occurred between the South Carolina Gamecocks and the Texas A&M Aggies in which Joseph Charlton was nearly the leading rusher. Never heard of him.

I mean, call The Optimist Ben Kenobi because he spent his whole weekend in a cave.

Call Parker White Han Solo ‘cause he seems to be the only one that can score around here.

Call our offense Jabba the Hut ‘cause it takes us three hours to move eight feet.

Actually, call our offense The Phantom Menace ‘cause it’s bad but it can always get worse.

Call Ernest Jones Lando Calrissian, ‘cause it turns out he’s actually good.

Call Bryan Edwards Luke Skywalker: the whole thing doesn’t make sense without him.

Call Ryan Hilinski R2D2 because he’s awesome but he really needs his sidekick.

While we’re at it, call Tavien Feaster Saw Gerrera; he sacrificed himself for a failed mission.

Call Jammie Robinson Chewbacca ‘cause all he does is hit people and holler about it.

Call Cordarrian Richardson Yoda ‘cause he’s a little paint in the ass but dammit he’s fast.

Or, you can call Ray Tanner Galen Urso ‘cause he built this death machine himself.




Guess that makes Will Muschamp Boba Fett, ‘cause he’s going to get ejected but he’s leaving with a crapload of cash.