EVALUATING THE 2016 GAMECOCK FOOTBALL STAFF

We've all heard it: the cacophony of laughter high praise heaped upon Will Muschamp's massive success at recruiting on-field talent for the Gamecocks in 2016. We've also heard the outrageous speculation Reader's Digest version of the biographies for each of our new Assistant coaches that will join the HBC our new fearless leader on the sidelines, but, how well do we know our new supporting cast?

What would Jack Lemmon have been without Walter Matthau? Mr. Brown without messrs. Pink, Orange, White, Blue, and Blonde? Tom without Ma Joad?

Don't you drag ME into this, DC3.

I digress...but, seriously, what is a leading role without his (or her) supporting cast? How will we ever know how next year's football team stacks up if we don't know the men behind The Man?

someone's behind me?

Seriously, though. How are we going to know if the new coaching staff is going to be capable of doing great things in Columbia if we don't exhaustively break down each new hire before it's too late???

Fear not intrepid Gamecock fans, for the Garnet and Black Attack is on the case. We've looked at pored over each new coaching addition and distilled the information into just exactly what you, the reader, needs to know about each new member of the Gamecock family!

So, without further adieu, the official GABA previews of your 2016 Gamecock Football staff:

Bobby Bentley

Running Backs

Bio: won literally every title, award, and/or trophy you can win at the prep-school level.

Pros: Coached Marcus Lattimore. Ranked PC 3rd nationally in total offense in their first FCS football year.

Cons: Might have stolen Gus Malzahn's glasses.

Shawn Elliott

Offensive Line

Bio: Piloted home the rudderless, anchorless, bullet-ridden Gamecocks to harbor in the 2015 season.

Pros: Will literally pull you out of a burning car and save your life.

Cons: Seriously I'm not going to say ANYTHING bad about this man.

Coleman Hutzler

Special Teams / Linebackers

Bio: Successfully turned around several special teams and defensive units, including last year's suffocating Boston College team.

Pros: read the words 'Suffocating Boston College defense' out loud.

Cons: He no longer has this haircut.

Bryan McClendon

Co-Offensive Coordinator / Wide Receivers

Bio: Former standout player and noted winner of the TaxSlayer bowl as UGA interim head coach.

Pros: Willie McClendon is his dad; that's neat.

Cons: Last year's Georgia offense...he had something to do with that.

Mike Peterson

Outside Linebackers

Bio: National Championship winning linebacker, NFL All-Pro, and former Florida S&C coach.

Pros: One of the best outside linebackers to play the game in the last 20 years.

Cons: No real coaching experience. Adrian Peterson's older brother. NO YOU DUMMY THE OTHER ADRIAN PETERSON.

Travaris Robinson

Defensive Coordinator / Defensive Backs

Bio: Standout layer turned all around bad-ass recruiting phenomenon.

Pros: Proven track record coaching top-shelf secondary units. Is not Lorenzo Ward.

Cons: Is not Lorenzo Ward's Twitter account.

RIP, Inspirational Haiku Master.

Kurt Roper

Co-Offensive Coordinator / Quarterbacks

Bio: Veteran offensive coach. Noted scorer of points.

Pros: Proven developer of quarterbacking talent, including Eli Manning and Connor Shaw.

Cons: Was not able to negotiate a deal to bring Connor Shaw back from Cleveland.

Lance Thompson

Asst. Head Coach - Defense/Defensive Line

Bio: Longtime coach throughout the SEC. Has won multiple National Championships. Noted recruiting wizard.

Pros: Might actually be Steven Segal in disguise.

Cons: Might actually be Steven Segal in disguise.

Pat Washington

Tight Ends

Bio: Coach with 28 years of experience in the NCAA, including 4 SEC schools.

Pros: Remember the 1998 Tennessee team? Those were his wideouts.

Cons: No longer has this moustache.

And there you have it! Your comprehensive guide to our new coaching staff!

Forever to Thee,

DC3

/runs