Last week I gave you people gold and some of you spat upon it like ungrateful llamas!
“CaRtOoNs ArE fOr ChIlDrEn!” you whined. Well fine. If one of the most consistently funny shows on TV is too childish, this week we are ratcheting the adult language up to eleven.
Get on your cloggin’ shoes and get ready to run through the house with a pickle in your mouth. We’re turning to the first family of the Lord, the Gemstones, for this week’s gif power rankings, and we’re leaving the swearing and blasphemy in!
Now, you’re going to look at this week’s rankings and have some questions. “How is Mizzou all the way up at #6?” “Why is Carolina below Ole Miss?”
I will remind you of the conclusion I came to last week. There are five really good teams in this conference, six bad teams, and three really bad teams. Your tier matters. What order you are in that tier really does not.
1. BAMA (5-0)
Bama finally overtakes Clemson in the polls and celebrates by napping. Very power dad move.
2. LSU (5-0)
Joe Burrow only completed 71% of his passes and even threw an interception against Utah State, proving it is possible (but not likely) that he bleeds human blood.
3. FLORIDA (6-0)
Florida fans are not going to want to hear this, but do you know what the Gators look like right now? They have an elite defense but can’t block anyone and can’t really throw the ball downfield. The Gators look like the Gators under Jim McElwain.
4. GEORGIA (5-0)
The Dawgs to Tennessee after halftime:
5. AUBURN (5-1)
What was Bo Nix missing on Saturday?
6. MIZZOU (4-1)
Look at the Tigers’ schedule. Now, about that 4-1 record and the fact that they are probably going to get to 7-1 going into the UGA game:
7. TEXAS A&M (3-2)
Hey, voters who keep ranking A&M
8. OLE MISS (3-3)
Ole Miss to the rest of the bottom of the SEC barrel:
9. MISSISSIPPI STATE (3-2)
Sure, the Bulldogs got their doors blown off by Auburn the last time we saw them play, but 4 of their next 6 games are against Tennessee, Arkansas, A&M, and Abilene Christian.
10. SOUTH CAROLINA (2-3)
I’ve got nothing to say about the Gamecocks this week. Let’s just enjoy this gif of the Misbehavin’ performance and forget our troubles until we have to go to Athens and be instantly and painfully remember all of this team’s troubles.
11. KENTUCKY (2-3)
When Kentucky fans learn their basketball season starts in less than a month.
12. ARKANSAS (2-3)
Scheduling a bye week to prepare for a trip to Kentucky?
13. VANDY (1-4)
I can only assume every offensive coach wandered away from practice, showed up late, or just plain skipped it this week because it did not look like the Commodores had any plan on Saturday night in Oxford.
14. TENNESSEE (1-4)
And just for good measure, here’s one of Dabo to his team on Sunday morning.