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Can we Postpone the Apocalypse Until Football Season is Over?

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This nuclear war couldn’t be coming at a more inconvenient time for Gamecock fans.

I get this thing is happening, but can it maybe wait a few more months?
Photo by South Korean Defense Ministry via Getty Images

Dear President Trump

Dear Kim Jong Un

Look, I am not sure which of you is more responsible for stopping the impending nuclear war. Let’s just go with

Dear Earth,

I am scared. A lot of us are scared. The idea of a country like North Korea having nuclear weapons keeps me up at night. I have two kids. My oldest is about to start second grade. How do I explain to them what is going on right now? How do I look my little girl in the eye and say there may not be another college football season?

Oh, did you think this was about something different?

Nope, this is about the fact that two insane men are in the middle of a pissing contest that could wipe out half the Earth’s population and we may not make it to Sepember 2nd. Look Earth, we need this! We’re Gamecock fans. We cannot have our last memory of the greatest sport on earth be a kid that looks like the star of a high school show choir making a catch that gives Clemson a national championship.

Friggin’ Clemson?!?!?

If we were going to do this nuclear war thing, couldn’t it have been after the 2015 season? I mean, it’s not like we’d prefer Alabama have the title any more than anyone else, but at least our last memory would be of Clemson losing. Instead, we are left with the threat of history remembering Andy Griffith show extra turned coach Dabo Swinney as the last great coach the sport ever had.

Hell, President Trump, aren’t you and Dabo boys now?

NCAA Football: Clemson-White House Visit
Does Dabo have the sway necessary to make sure we get to watch football one last time?
Rafael Suanes-USA TODAY Sports

Hey, maybe Dabo could play an important role in stopping this. Does anyone know if Dabo is good at making gold plated toilets? We’ve got a president to bribe!

Look Earth, you gotta get your shit together. Have a conversation. Postpone this thing at least until after January 8th. Nikki Haley, isn’t it your job to make sure things like this don’t happen? Isn’t an Ambassador to the UN’s job description just “avoid nuclear war”?

Wait.

Oh dear God! I just remembered something.

Nikki Haley is a Clemson alum! The day is already lost. I mean, look at this picture of her family.

Very sly, Ambassador, but we’re on to you!

Is this what she has wanted all along? Quick, get her out of the UN and replace her with...I don’t know, someone loyal to Alabama. Those people are insane. Surely they won’t let us miss a college football season. Call Clarissa. Have her explain it all to the world.

Look Earth, being a Gamecock is slowly but surely becoming fun again. We have a QB most of college football would kill for. We have a coach that has a reputation for Hulking out and we haven’t even gotten to see him do that in Carolina gear yet!

Come on, Earth! We deserve one of these moments with Muschamp in garnet and black!

That will be fun for everybody. Please don’t take that away from us.

We all knew this day was coming. We have been slowly counting down to a nuclear apocalypse ever since nuclear weapons were invented in like 1836. Or was it 1989?

I know it was somewhere in there, so let’s just say we have known this is how the world would end since some time between 1836 and 1989. The point I’m trying to make is that your timing couldn’t be worse.

Forget what baseball fans say. It’s college football fans that truly wait on pins and needles for their season to start each year, and 2017 has been particularly hard. Look, no matter what you think of Donald Trump, you have to admit it would be much easier to mentally escape from the fissures in American society if we just had a game to watch on Saturday. And we have slogged through a hot-ass summer and Melissa McCarthy’s Sean Spicer going from making us laugh to making us say “Christ, again?”. Actually, Spicy becoming unfunny may have happened first. It all kinda runs together without the structure of an SEC schedule to help me remember the date.

Hell, I know everything there is to know about Lincoln Riley because he was a bright shining oasis of football news in the desert that has been the last 7 months.

And now, Earth? Now the end of this long dark tunnel is in sight. The light is right there. Don’t ruin this!

Is nuclear diplomacy hard? I guess, but it doesn’t have to be. Watch.

North Korea, you have a nuclear weapon? Well, we have an assload of them, so knock it off.

America...honestly, I’m not sure how we’re in the wrong here. Maybe just say we’re sorry like when you’re trying to get a toddler to stop screaming after you took a toy away that he just used to hit you in the nuts. You don’t give him the toy back, but you make him feel like he got something out of the exchange.

One quick look at this map shows you that SEC and ACC country are well outside of North Korea’s range for destruction.

Note that there are no explosions likely within the footprint.

But that isn’t good enough to make my football season feel safe. I need the Big 10 and their snow covered fields in November along with the annual “is this the year Iowa moves on from Kirk Ferentz” debate. I need to see Kansas get their annual win. I need my 11pm kickoffs in the Pac 12 and when I wake up to pee around 2:30 AM, I need the comfort of knowing I can turn on CBS Sports Net and see what is happening in real time at Aloha Stadium as I drift back to sleep.

Look, Earth, I’m not a dumb guy. I know that whether it was God or science behind you, you were always an experiment destined to fail. I just need you to hold on. Like a restaurant owner that takes out a third mortgage to keep his business open during Holiday office party season, hold out until the bitter end.

All I’m asking for is six more months and then we, the college football loving public, will bow our heads in solemn acceptance as the mushroom clouds rise all around us.