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Guest Post: The Comeuppance Report

Many thanks to our friends at The Rubber Chickens for penning a guest post this week. They're a welcomed addition to the Gamecock blog-o-sphere, and we here at Garnet and Black Attack are looking forward to collaborating with them more in the future. Byline: Buck

One quarter of the football season has slipped away from us already, which is putting me in a foul mood.  I was in such a good mood last week after a 3-0 start and pending nationally televised showdown with Auburn, I didn’t even file a Comeuppance Report (a.k.a Who I’m Pulling Against This Week). 

But after Saturday night (recap: Newton, Alshon, Newton, Newton, Garcia, Newton, fumble, fumble, Newton, Shaw?!?, interception, interception, Highland Park Scotch, Highland Park Scotch) the things that I have little tolerance for bubbled back to the surface and I feel compelled to share. 

So here are who, and what, I’m pulling against this week, including a couple of non-football related items: (after the jump)

Moral victories – Clemson takes Auburn to overtime and LOSES and somehow their fans celebrate as if they have "arrived".  We fight Auburn to the wire and lose and our fan base goes all Hindenburg.  I say good for us.

Boise State – Boise State has parlayed two trick plays in a non-championship BCS bowl game into what appears to be a 10-year contract as an ESPN darling.  Yes, they occasionally beat a semi-high-profile team having a medium-profile year, but I’m begging for them to lose just so we don’t have to hear about the genius of Chris Peterson again this Saturday on GameDay. 

Zone defense – Man up and let’s see some press coverage EJ.  If we’re going to get gashed, let’s at least be close enough to put our hands on somebody. 

Auburn – Not just the football team, but the entirety of Auburn – the University, the town and the people.  Opposing SEC fans are not supposed to be treated like this.  Opposing SEC fans are supposed to be harassed, spit on and degraded in front of their children.  It’s a rite of passage.  "Welcome to Auburn" indeed.  They should be ashamed of themselves.      

Florida – A Florida loss to Alabama is the next piece of the puzzle to help set up a showdown between us and Florida for the SEC East crown.  Plus, if somebody is going to pull a monumental upset of Alabama, it needs to be us on Oct. 9.

Greg McElroy – It’s a ridiculous stat that he’s not lost a game he has started at QB since 8th grade.  I hate ridiculous stats.  Plus, he’s applied to be a Rhodes Scholar.  Me?  I can hang a spoon on my nose.

Kentucky and Vanderbilt – Kentucky has played well, Florida notwithstanding, in a supposed rebuilding year.  Vandy took a pretty good Northwestern team to the final gun and beat Ole Miss on the road.  Why, oh, why can’t these teams just roll over and die?  If we’re considerably more talented than both, then why do they scare the heck out of me season after season?

Root Beer – I was at dinner recently with someone who is not an adolescent who ordered this.  Seriously disgusting.  Root beer is what I imagine medicine used to taste like before they invented artificial berry flavoring. 

Home Box Office – Aside from the occasional hilarious Kenny Powers one-liner, the original programming on HBO has devolved to gratuitous everything.  "What, low on script?  How about we throw in a disembowelment and a threesome with two hot chicks and an undead wolf?"  And forgive me if I don’t want to watch "All About Steve" or "Transformers:  Revenge of the Fallen" every six hours for three months.   

Have a great bye week folks, you deserve it.  And rest assured, I’m pulling FOR you (unless you’re Greg McElroy).