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Ah, February. It’s cold, basketball's down again, and Steve Spurrier is currently cracking a Coors Orig on the 17th tee at the Ocean Course. "Mr. Spurrier," the groundskeeper implores, "please don’t discard your empties in the water hazard. Turtles live there." "What in the hell they payin’ you for?" Spurrier smirks, launching another can lakeward and unleashing a thunderous belch at the top of his backswing. He sticks it within five feet, then two putts. Life: is it fair for anyone in this scenario? Certainly not the turtles. Alas, that’s February for you.
Meanwhile, garnet and black devotees are in a strange place. We could watch Frank Martin’s basketball team, but we’re not even sure Frank Martin’s doing that at this point. The women’s team is humming along, so there is that. Baseball’s here, but it’s still too fresh to make sense of quite yet.
Indeed, it’s a bleak, blurry stretch for Gamecock fans. But hark! The NFL Network has deployed its forces to Indianapolis and DJ Swearinger is tweeting Joyce-like strings of hyperintense gibberish, which can only mean the NFL Scouting Combine is upon us. What is the Combine, you ask? Well, person who would never be reading this blog in the first place, it’s the NFL’s annual youngblood meat parade wherein grizzled scouts watch prospects throw and catch and run and pick things up and put them down and speak and roll over and do that thing where they jump as high as they can to slap the little flags. They are then given a firm, full-body inspection by a visibly rabid Todd McShay before they’re handed a Sponsored Energy Drink and told to exit the premises.
This entire process can have a profound impact on a player’s DRAFTABILITY, or "ability to be draft able." It all builds up to April’s draft, when they’ll be selected and invited to a training camp, from which they’ll be summarily cut and forgotten forever. That is, of course, unless they were drafted in the first three rounds or are Tom Brady, who, as we all know, is an actor hired by the NFL as part of a nefarious scheme to raise advertising rates on day three of the draft.
Carolina was plenty visible in 2012, having had three former players taken in the first two rounds. Stephon Gilmore, as you may remember, leveraged his performance at the Combine into a first round pick. (Unfortunately, he was taken by Buffalo, amounting to a net loss.)
Once again, Gamecock fans should hear a handful of familiar names called over the course of the draft’s seven rounds. Until then, we’ll see and read scads of draft analysis, pore over mock drafts, and spend far too much time staring into the squinted gaze of sentient goat cheese sculpture Mel Kiper. And the spark that ignites all this hullabaloo? The NFL Scouting Combine.
This year, seven former Gamecocks travel to Indianapolis. We at Garnet and Black Attack realize the scouts in attendance face an overwhelming task—scrutinizing many dozens of players, being in Indianapolis for an extended period of time, etc. We’re here to help. Ahead, we profile the septet of Gamecocks, providing measurables, projections, a handy pros/cons list, and guest analysis. Read on!
The Seven Combine Invitees
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MEASURABLES: 6’0", 210, 260º F body temperature. LIKELY TO GO: 2nd-3rd round, barring any mysterious injuries befalling all the safeties ahead of him, which surely won’t happen. Surely not. PROS AND CONS: + Sun glinting off platinum grill during day games could temporarily blind ball carriers. GUEST ANALYSIS:
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MEASURABLES: He’s a lil’ guy! LIKELY TO GO: To the house. PROS AND CONS:
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MEASURABLES: Taller’n a sycamore, bigger’n a grizzly. LIKELY TO GO: Hunting; failing that, fishing. PROS AND CONS: + Having logged 53 career starts at center, totally comfortable having some guy shout at his ass.
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MEASURABLES: 6’2", 241, godlike eyebrows LIKELY TO GO: 1st overall, after a ‘good luck’ handshake with Jadeveon Clowney during a lightning storm mysteriously swaps the players’ abilities. It’s the summer's most anticipated family-oriented sports film, Me So Clowney! Starring Chris Tucker as Devonte Holloman, Terry Crews as Jadeveon Clowney, James Caan as Steve Spurrier, Ralph Macchio as Todd McShay, and the inimitable Kathy Bates as Mel Kiper, Jr.! PROS AND CONS: + Unaffiliated with 2000 Kevin Bacon vehicle Hollow Man.
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MEASURABLES: A lovable 6’0" and 218 pounds you just gotta root for. LIKELY TO GO: Not in the first round round because life is but a cruel, chaotic mishmash of meaningless circumstances. PROS AND CONS:
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MEASURABLES: 6’4", 264, but plays like he’s at least 6’5", 268 LIKELY TO GO: Later rounds, which is why he will perform all Combine drills in a tuxedo to drum up buzz. PROS AND CONS: - Was rated by Rivals a two-star prospect out of high school, which makes it really rude of him to have had such an impressive college career and embarrass Rivals like that.
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MEASURABLES: 267. Both height and weight. Don’t ask questions. LIKELY TO GO: 47th round, after mistakenly filing for the MLB draft. PROS AND CONS: + Quite possibly the worst interview subject in sports, making controversial statements to the media unlikely.
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What About The Others?
Unfortunately, not all players get Combine invitations. Some must make impressions through more creative channels. Here are the methods insider sources say might benefit those graduating Gamecock players that aren't Combine-bound:
Adam Yates - K: Strap ransom notes reading "DRAFT ADAM YATES" to 32 footballs; kick through NFL franchise office windows.
Byron Jerideau - DT: Enter Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest, wear "DRAFT BYRON" bib.
Akeem Auguste - CB: You know what? Just sit perfectly still and see if you get drafted.
Qua Chilchrist - FB: Develop craft beer called "Gilchrist Draft", sell kegs to bars frequented by scouts with hopes that words "Draft" and "Gilchrist" infiltrate their subconscious.
Kenny Miles - RB: Create viral video of an augmented version of the Proclaimer's 1988 hit "I'm Gonna Be (500 Miles)" with the lyrics "And I would draft Keh-heh-nee Miles..."
Shaq Wilson/Reginald Bowens/Damario Jeffery - LB: Climb atop one another, don enormous trenchcoat, teeter awkwardly into team headquarters and ask if anyone needs a linebacker.
GABA and ALSOG would like to wish the best of luck to all Gamecocks with professional aspirations. May Goodell have mercy on your souls.