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The GABAbag: Obsessions, real life cheat codes, and some dating advice

This week's mailbag ponders classiness, existentialism, and cougars.


Submit your questions for next week's Garnet And Black Attack mailbag by tweeting at @GABAttack, or drop us a through the Facebooks or gabamailbag at gmail dot com.

@AveryGWilks asks via email, "You can bring one departed Gamecock football player (from the 2012 team) back to join the current team for one game of the upcoming schedule. Who are you bringing back, and for what game?"

I did not have to think very long at all about which 2012 Gamecock I would pick to return and for which game I would apply this most fascinating cheat code: D.J. Swearinger for the September 7th game at Georgia.

One of the things I'm most concerned about entering 2013 is that, in North Carolina and Georgia, the Gamecocks will face two of the better passing offenses they'll see all season in weeks one and two. Combine that with the fact that 43.4% of South Carolina's 2012 tackles came from players in the back seven that have since moved on to the NFL or graduation, and it becomes clear that the only way that the Gamecocks will survive Athens with a 2-0 record is if they can get some production and leadership from a talented but incredibly young defensive backfield.

Bringing Jungle Boi back would be the most efficient way to accomplish this. Not only was D.J. incredibly productive throughout his career (and especially during his senior season), but he rallied the team together with his relentless work ethic, emotional style of play, and unparalleled levels of turnt. If you're new to the party and don't know what it is to be turnt, it's not exactly something that can be put into words. Turnt is... It's like... You know how... Ah, screw it. Just watch this:

Another player that I briefly considered was MIKE linebacker Shaq Wilson, who was responsible for making sure that the defense was properly aligned and was touted as the "quarterback of the defense". As much as we love Shaq, D.J.'s talent and production are undeniable, and Shaq will already be on the sidelines as grad assistant.

Tim's query is no doubt a reaction to the Clemson fan base's reaction to the reactions of Jadeveon Clowney and Steve Spurrier at SEC media days when presented with questions about their opponents. The offseason is fun, huh?

As is often the case with the Clemson fan base, it's difficult to know where to start. Let's take the last question first. Are they classy? No. No, they are not.

But Clemson's obsession with being classy and the Gamecocks' perceived failure to embody that ridiculous concept seems to enjoy a positive correlation with their recently having lost to South Carolina, and that's been happening a lot lately. With the winning streak stretched to four games and the series moving back to Columbia with five in a row on the line, Clemson's desperate attempts to cling to history as a means of undermining our recent success are ringing increasingly hollow. Thus the sudden emphasis on class.

Personally, I don't want players who have "class". I like college football because it's messy and has outsized personalities saying occasionally boastful and/or ridiculous things. I count myself incredibly lucky that Steve Spurrier and his total lack of class have been around to keep Gamecock football interesting for the past eight years.

For newcomers to my obsession with former Gamecock footballer Chaun Gresham and my endless quest to out him as a person who does not, in fact, exist... Well, that actually kinda sums it up. Greshman was on scholarship for four years despite never being seen on the field. Sure, the official stats claim that he played 13 games in 2012, but are you really willing to go along with propaganda disseminated by The Man?

Going into the 2013 season, Gresham is gone (that is, if are to believe he was ever actually here), and someone must fill his imaginary shoes. As of today, that person is defensive end Mason Harris, who has not logged a single stat in his two years as a Gamecock. It looks like we'll find out rather quickly if he is indeed real, as the person that the University of South Carolina is claiming to be Mason Harris is expected to be utilized as a pass rushing specialist in Lorenzo Ward's Rabbits Package this year.

I don't know that obsession with new helmet designs is unique to our fan base. Ever since Oregon began having tremendous success branding themselves as the fashion runway of college football, it seems like every school is trying to get noticed with its edgy helmet designs.

To a certain extent, I'm on board with the Gamecocks taking a stab at an alternate helmet (a 'state pride' helmet with the palmetto tree and crescent moon could be badass), but for every cool alternate helmet that gets rolled out, you have at least an equal amount of monstrosities like this.

As I understand it, the term "cougar" is one typically applied to older women who pursue younger men. As such, the absolute age of the woman in question tells us little because the relative age of the woman to the man she is after is the defining characteristic.

For example, if a woman of 31 was to embark upon an affair with the 20-year-old Jadeveon Clowney, she might indeed be considered a cougar. But were she to invite the Head Ball Coach to her place for a weekend of 1993 Gator football tape and Coors Original, then she might at that point be considered, among other things, awesome.