There’s a new Star Wars movie out this week!
If it doesn’t excite you at least a little bit, you can go kick rocks. I’m not the nerd! You’re the nerd!
Anyway, this seems like as good a week as any to revisit one of the finest moments in pre-Columbia Will Muschamp history: when we found out he had one seen Episodes IV and V in the Star Wars saga.
Truly, I hope Coach has taken the time to at least complete the original trilogy...and watch The Force Awakens...and Rogue One. Hell, you know what Coach? Call practice for the day and wrap things up on the recruiting trail. I gonna need you back to get back to Columbia and go to the Dutch 14 right now. We’ll set up a theatre. You’re about to have the best two days of your life!
So anyway, this brings up a question. What relationship do the 13 other coaches in the SEC have with Star Wars? Below are my best guesses done in alphabetical order by team.
ALABAMA - NICK SABAN
Is it recruiting? No? Then Nick Saban doesn’t have time for this bullshit! And why are you asking anyway? Can’t you see how hard these boys have worked? And you’re sitting here asking me about a space movie? Shame on you trying to poison this championship culture!
ARKANSAS - CHAD MORRIS
I don’t even know what this guy looks like. I’ll assume he has seen the original trilogy, because I assume everyone has. Then again, he did coach under Dabo for a while, so based on this clip
I would say it’s possible Chad Morris pretends any stick he finds in his yard is a lightsaber when he is alone but pretends the movies are stupid when he is around the older boys in the neighborhood.
AUBURN - GUZ MALZAHN
He has watched all of the movies with his kids. He likely gets very animated when the Rebellion shoots down a tie fighter.
FLORIDA - DAN MULLEN
He is the dude bro that works out at your gym that one day in the locker room you notice has a tattoo of the Rebel Alliance’s symbol on his back or the laser focused guy at the office that surprises you by trading for the lightsaber BBQ tongs during the office Christmas party’s game of Dirty Santa.
Dan Mullen may not look like he likes Star Wars, but likely has a goldfish named Admiral Akbar.
GEORGIA - KIRBY SMART
Look at this face.
Of course, he owns binder full of Star Wars cards. He has a closet full of unopened figures from the 1970s and he knows the value of each one. He also has that old Darth Vader shaped case full of opened figures, but it is no fun to play Star Wars with him.
“Look with your eyes, not with your hands please! Grand Moff Tarkin doesn’t need your fingerprints all over him.”
KENTUCKY - MARK STOOPS
He has seen all of the movies, but none of them have moved him one way or the other. Like the polite Midwesterner he is, Mark Stoops doesn’t want to be rude and tell you that he has somewhere else to be, so he just sits there quietly. It’s possible he has even allowed his kids to put one of those Star Wars stick figure families on his back windshield. Deep down though, he thinks it’s a bunch of nonsense (“Pardon my language” he would say), but what is important to him is that you enjoyed it.
LSU - ED ORGERON
I don’t know if he has ever seen any of the actual movies, but he definitely owns that same mask that Chewbacca Mom does and it makes him laugh hysterically whenever he puts it on. Also, he has made the same joke to his wife about “grillin’ one a them lil’ suckers up” whenever the porgs are shown in The Last Jedi trailer.
MISSISSIPPI STATE - JOE MOOREHEAD
Joe Moorehead has absolutely seen Star Wars, and he absolutely uses it to motivate his team. Bama? They're the Empire. Ole Miss?
“Oh, they're Rebels, but you know what kind of Rebels they are? They're Senator Organa and Mon Mothma. They like to talk a big game, but they won’t put in the work! Now State? Oh boy, we’re the tie fighters that storm the trenches of the Death Star. Fearless. No quit in us. We put in the work to get where we need to be and then let our training take over!”
MISSOURI - BARRY ODOM
He will passionately talk about his favorite Star Wars movie. He will tell you the plot in great detail and tell you what an impact Star Wars has had on his life. And when he is done, you will politely tell him that the movie he just described is Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.
OLE MISS - MATT LUKE
Matt Luke has never seen Star Wars. He only watches movies that star The Rock. Central Intelligence is his favorite so far, but he is very optimistic about Jumanji, which he pronounces “Joo-mahn-juh”.
TENNESSEE - JEREMY PRUITT
Star Wars is not asparagus.
Therefor I assume Jeremy Pruitt is a Star Wars expert.
TEXAS A&M - JIMBO FISHER
Jimbo has seen every movie but refers to it as “The Star Wars”. When Nick Saban asks him why he wastes his time with that garbage, Jimbo will tell him “there’s some cool stuff in there” but never really elaborates.
VANDERBILT - DEREK MASON
Derek Mason vehemently defends The Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones as necessary learning pains you have to endure to get to the good stuff. He also defends kid Anakin as “Not so bad. You gotta go through that before you get to Darth Vader, right?”
Go enjoy The Last Jedi everyone!