Let's all take a deep breath and try to cobble together some perspective on the next HBC conjecture for a hot second, please. Spurrier hasn't even expressed a desire to step aside after this season and we're already preparing to grind up the remains into a smooth blend of herbs and spices to spread on Lane Kiffin banners because the guy has a penchant for wearing visors and not getting play calls in on time.
Chip Kelly is not coming
HIS SHOUTINESS, JON GRUDEN, is not interested
Mark D'antonio is not waiting for a fateful phone call to bring him home
Now I know what you're thinking, and, yes, we could chloroform, hog tie, and transport appealing head coaching candidates from around the country to an undisclosed lab that is definitely not Dr. Rocco's, but that isn't the answer. That is a comic book origin story and your doom. And so shall we bring upon ourselves end times and the Cockpocalypse. Picture it:
Mark D'antonio's eye for defense. Chip Kelly's questionable management style. Jon Gruden's track record of being pretty good sometimes and then defiantly terrible seemingly on a whim.
When their powers combine, they are: The Dark Nutt.
He's not the coach you need, fans who are ready to fire Steve Spurrier into the sun. He's the coach you deserve.