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Since there's nothing to be said about the real Clowney, let's check in with his alternate universe counterpart.

Alternative Universe Jadeveon Clowney: A man of Mochaccinos, fresh towels, and pastries.
Alternative Universe Jadeveon Clowney: A man of Mochaccinos, fresh towels, and pastries.

6'5", 195 lbs.
Rock Hill, SC

1 star, #3,275 DE in the 2011 class
Other offers: South Idaho School of Agriculture and Livestock (intramural squad); North Sheboygan School for the Blind (preferred walk-on since not blind); Kentucky

College Career:
Lightly recruited out of high school, Jadeveon walked on at the University of South Carolina in the summer of 2011. "He's a good kid," said Steve Spurrier. "Can't play a lick of football, but he's got a good heart and can fold a towel somethin' fierce. So we tossed him a jersey, let him pad up."

Added Spurrier, "Heck, I'm not sure some of the other players on the team know who Jadeveon Clowney is."

Clowney has spent most of his time on the scout team for the scout team, but briefly played in mop-up duty against UAB last season, when he appeared in a single kickoff coverage package. After the play, during which Clowney skipped down the far sideline opposite the ball carrier, he jogged over to the coaches, who offered for him to stay in. "No, thank you!" said Clowney. "Let the other fellas play. I'm tuckered!" Clowney then hustled over to a pile of discarded towels, and began to fold them.

Clowney spent the offseason as the opening shift manager at the Starbucks on Gervais Street. "I know it's not the typical summer for a college football player," said Clowney, adding foam to a double tall soy chai latte, "but I like to get my day started at 5 AM so I can make sure I catch the sunrise, and I'm getting real world leadership experience. Football won't last forever. Most NCAA athletes go pro in something other than sports!"

2013 Outlook:
Jadeveon Clowney has yet to crack the six deep, but coaches won't dismiss the idea of him playing meaningful minutes. "Hell, I guess a series of unfortunate accidents could befall literally every scholarship player and most walk-ons, paving the way for him to get his shot," said defensive line coach Deke Adams. "But more than likely, we won't see much of Ja'devin. Good folder, though."

Jadeveon admitted that he aced his final exam in a Functional Accounting II Maymester course despite "totally forgetting about it" until an hour before it started.

Possible Todd Ellis play-by-play call:
"Connor Shaw out of the gun, takes the snap, looks downfield. Shaw lets it go over the middle and iiiiiiiiiit's- CAUGHT! Damieeeeeeeere Byrd hauls in a 52-yard touchdown pass on a beautifully thrown post route from Connor Shaw, and even though this broadcast is brought to you by Sansbury Eye Center, I cannot believe my surgically repaired eyes. I'll tell you what, Tommy. When you see the quarterback throwing a spiral that tight in an absolute monsoon here on senior night against the Clemson Tigers, a lot of credit has to go to the towel boy, a young man whose name I'm being told is Javelin Clowntoss."