clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

It's New Years' Resolution time!

Time to dust off that treadmill, boys and girls.

Joshua S. Kelly-USA TODAY Sports

It's that time of year again: a clean slate looms in the form of a brand-new set of 365-ish days of unsoiled possibility and hope. Gym memberships will soar and Dick's Sporting Goods will make its quarterly sales figures in roughly 36 hours. Most importantly, people will dream. Big dreams. Ostentatious dreams.

Everyone takes part in the time-honored tradition of promising ones self that THIS will be the year that ones self finally gets their [redacted] together. THIS will be the year that our intentions become our actions.

We at the Garnet and Black Attack have obtained INSIDER ACCESS to the real, actual, stated resolutions of the entire Gamecocks' athletics staff. Not really.

Without further ado, everyone's New Years' Resolutions:

RAY TANNER

  • Hire a really good football coach someone that will work their ass off and recruit the good all of the players away from Clemson and Georgia.
  • Sign a new contract with Under Armour with Dawn.
  • Remake the South Carolina marketing program #CREDENTIALGABA.
  • Buy Frank a new sportcoat.
  • Give Holbrook the 'Old-Fashioned Gamecock Baseball' secret recipe.
  • Grow a moustache. A good one.

WILL MUSCHAMP

  • Crowd-Source the new Gamecocks' playbook.
  • Make a plan to outdo the HBC at SEC Media Days.
  • Remake the South Carolina marketing program #CREDENTIALGABA.
  • Smile more. (CHECK) (DOUBLE CHECK)
  • #2PLANES
  • Recruit every player in the known universe a popular music figure to promote the program.
  • Tell Frank about my sportcoat guy.
  • Grow a moustache.

FRANK MARTIN

  • START A LINE OF HAWAIIAN SHIRTS.
  • SMILE MORE. (CHECK)
  • WIN SOME GAMES IN MARCH.
  • WRITE A CHILDREN'S BOOK.
  • GIVE REALLY GOOD INTERVIEWS #CREDENTIALGABA
  • TELL WILL TO TRY MY SPORTCOAT GUY.
  • FINALLY GROW A MOUSTACHE.

DAWN STALEY

CHAD HOLBROOK

  • Beat Albany.
  • Beat Winthrop.
  • Beat Penn State.
  • Beat the Citadel (for Shawn).
  • Ask Ray about that 'secret recipe'.
  • Be more open to reporters #CREDENTIALGABA
  • Google 'Indian burial ground Hoover, Ala.'
  • Call Will's sportcoat guy.
  • Google 'cool moustache styles'.

AND NOW...THE FANS

Tell us your New Years' Resolutions, post haste.